Dying to my(self)

A new way of thinking was brought to my attention last week and it honestly turned some light-bulbs on in my mind. If you're a Momma, you know that sometimes this job seems to be filled with endless lists of what needs to be done. It can feel exhausting, and thankless in moments. (Disclaimer: before everyone thinks poorly of my husband because of this post!!! Please don't!!! He's SUCH a hard worker, a wonderful husband & father & is constantly, literally every single day working to provide and serve us!!! And a lot of the things I'm thinking of don't even directly relate to him helping or not helping! It's just motherhood, and being a wife and adjusting to what that means in my own life!)

So, I strolled into work one morning, and decided to vent a few of my frustrations to my co-workers, (I am lucky enough to work with a small group of Godly women (and one dude, my boss, who happens to also be my pastor, lol), and I was met with a lot of reciprocating feelings from the fellow mothers and wives in our little group. After I realized I started what felt like a small uprising of the annoyed, conviction fell on my heart... or maybe that happened when my boss/pastor walked in on our woman's rights rally at just the right moment (insert embarrassed emoji!!!) Anyhow, the conversation fizzled off, and I felt justified in the frustrations I conveyed, and was determined to try to find some resolutions, talk things over with my husband and see if we were able to come to agreements and see eye to eye on whose job it really is to wash the dishes everyday! (We both agree it's an equal opportunity chore! Lol) We ended up having a great conversation actually, and I was definitely met with understanding and willingness to help be part of the solution!

Then, Sunday rolls around, and the message was brought. Aforementioned pastor/boss has been preaching from the Judges (of the Old Testament) and honestly, I can't remember the finer details of the sermon (I hardly remember what I had, or if I had breakfast today!) but I do remember the heart of one of the points he made, was that, when we commit to serving God- we die to our old selves. We put on Christ, and from that, we live a life of servant-hood. And the way this played out in my mind was like this...

My old self, single, unmarried, nomadic Melissa, served me... and did what I felt like doing at any point in time, made my own plans, didn't really have to check in with anyone on anything, and honestly never had to worry about many other responsibilities. 

My new self is a woman who is a wife, a mother, a homemaker, a student, an employee, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and above all is a Christ follower... and a person who needs to look beyond herself to better all of those parts of who I am. 

When I look at my seemingly endless responsibilities at home at this point in my life, it would serve those around me better, (any myself) to look through eyes of a servant, to see where I can impact others for the greater good, make a difference, make someone's day brighter. It's easy to feel like I'm drowning in all the things I feel like I have to juggle on my own (while Alex is working) and it's been easy for me to feel resentful that I don't feel like I am the carefree person I used to be. I feel lucky on the days when I am able to run to the store by myself and have just an hour or two to not feel like I am responsible for another persons life and well-being. But, maybe in the end that's just what maturing looks like, and what it feels like. I haven't lost freedoms or lost who I am, it's more like I've just had to rearrange the way I feel like those things need to look on a day to day basis.

And I'm sure as our little one grows, the new seasons will change how all of this plays out as well. Right now it just the high intensity time in our lives, working, serving, helping, growing, and it does require a lot 24/7 attention and care (out of Alex and I both), but I am seeing it is not anything to be resentful about.

So, I'm seeing this is who I am now, the next level up in my journey as a human being! Not that I've morphed into some new person. I'm still me. I still love The Office, HIMYM and Gilmore Girls, and listening to Shane and Shane or blasting Lifehouse or Lecrae as I drive around & I will certainly always love getting pedicures and massages and doing things to pamper and treat myself!!!) Who I am at the core won't be changed, but it will be altered for the better of all as each season of life comes and goes, and as friends sharpen me, and teach me the better way. The better way to love, serve and heal those around me.

That change is always welcomed. After all, growing and becoming the best version of ourselves is what it's all about. And I'm thankful for the dear hearts on this journey with me, who nudge and guide me to think and act like Christ- and to redirect me when I'm not.

Introspection.

I've always felt like a little introspective thought into our own lives is beneficial; to err on the side of narsacism and be consumed with your own self, ideas or accomplishments is certainly not the goal; but, just a healthy level of knowing who you are and what you're about. You know what I'm saying?

Okay, so this brings me to my actual point, (I ramble more now that I'm not blogging as much, and I see the word jumble coming from me, processing on paper as my thoughts are attempting to be clearly conveyed...so, bear with me!) I've learned a lot about myself since new seasons of life have bought me different blessings and adversities. Which brings us to last night; I was sitting down to pray. My daughter was (trying to fall asleep) in bed, content but not quite there yet, and I (praying that she would just settle soon because I needed a little break) took my journal & Bible out- dead set on getting to the bottom of some struggles that are new to me (new as in the past 9 months or so...). I needed to get to the bottom of this root- the heart of the matter- trying to understand what is wrong with me, and why I was having such a hard time. This issue has spilled over into all kinds of other areas of my life recently and it was time for me to tell it goodbye.

Fear. Anxiety. Panic even-- in the worst of moments.

The thing is, this isn't me. And that's why it's been a struggle out of left field, that I've needed to take several different occasions to sift though and try to understand. And finally, I do feel like some clarity came from the Lord last night. (Praise Jesus, hallelujah! For REAL!)

As Christ followers, our sole dependance for security, trust, safety (all that warm, good-feeling stuff) is meant to come to us through our rock solid foundation, and relationship with Christ. Take that away and we are left to grapple with the consequences of placing that security in a human (whether ourselves or loved ones) who are fallible. Not that there shouldn't be a level of peace, security and dependency in those relationships, that's a must too for martial success! However, when the fountain of that springs from a spouse, or another loved one (friends, parents, siblings, etc.) that's where trouble will start to brew.

So, here's what I realized about myself, and the beginning of the struggle I had found myself in. Little by little, I began to give that security over to people around me, who were close (relationally) and trustworthy. But, as I did that, I took bit by bit, of that trust I had placed in GOD and gave it over to those people, or even to myself in moments. The end result being that my stability was now resting on the shoulders of (amazing) people (but still, just people) around me. And when the waves came, seasons changed, people changed, and life threw curve-balls- I saw others around me shaken, then I would follow suite, and be shaken as well.

Once I realized the simplicity of this error in my ways- I was like, well? Okay. What do I do then? Just acknowledge that to myself and to God, and ask for forgiveness for the idolatry in my own heart and move forward? Or say some kind of prayer or psalm to get me back on the right track!? I don't even know. I do know though that God is all about grace, coming to us where we are, and meeting us, loving us and embracing us-- welcoming us back in when we have wandered off. So, I just went with the whole acknowleding & chatting with God about it for a sec.

Maybe it doesn't make sense right now how this all ties in with fear, anxiety or a sense of stability. But, if you're a parent you might be able to relate. The first few months of parenthood (watch, it probably never ends...) are filled with, 'do this', or 'don't do this because it will cause this result, a. b. c. or death!' leaving a brand new parent to feel utterly terrified of this tiny little baby that was just brought into the world through one of the most amazing miracles. So, for me, I guess I noticed this anxiety, panic and fear creeping over me in those days, when I was home by myself with Joy, and just feeling utterly inadequate. And if Alex (or my sister) wasn't home with me, I just felt like I would lose it any second, and pray to God to be there with me and protect my sweet baby (from what? I don't know... panic is irrational.) Then, as our baby thrived, and the worry on that front lessened- bam!! --- financial struggles came, and the pit in my stomach grew as we saw medical bill, after medical bill (and regular bills too...) come rolling in, and I worried, and prayed to God to help us through, and to not let Joy be in need or want of anything (or us, but, LBH- I would rather starve before I saw her without...).

So, this pattern of fear, anxiety, worry began working it's way into silly, every day things that I would have never even considered worrying about previously. And now, the bible tells us somewhere (I don't know exactly where) to NOT worry about tomorrow. Don't fret. Don't fear. God clothes the lilies and the birds, don't you think that He care even MORE for you, his child? (Well, duh... of course He does!) And it also says, that the foolish person builds their house in the sand, so when (yes, WHEN, because it always will happen!!) the waves come, their home comes crumbling down. But, if you're wise, build it on the ROCK, on Christ- so you're able to stand. And, that exactly what had occurred in my own heart, I was building things on the sand, foolishly. And when waves came, I was afraid. I knew that I didn't have that peace that passes all understanding in my heart in those moments, because I had chosen to take God off the throne in those areas.

This is real stuff guys. And I know anxiety, depression, panic are all very real things, and many people deal with them on MANY different levels. And I am thankful to the Lord for his deliverance and healing in my own heart for this matter. I know how difficult and impossible it can feel when these demons are at work, but GOD is GREATER. HE is the healer. Healing may come in waves, or in seasons for some, and it is always a process when He has to help us dig though years (for some people!) of misguided beliefs or misplaced security. But there is hope. I know this for sure. He has healed me, and freed me from the bondage I felt I was under, as recently as earlier this week. I know his freedom is real, and the peace he offers is tangible. Not without a fight sometimes, because there is one out there who always seeks to steal our peace. But, fear is a liar. (Yes, I stole that from a song on KLove! Lol!) And when we stop believing lies, and begin to make more room for the truth inside of our spirits, souls and minds- God is faithful to come and fill in the voids where it's needed, when He is welcome. 


I guess all in all, I like writing this out to help myself process, but I also like others to know if you're struggling, there IS hope and you're not alone. If you feel alone, reach out. I know that sucks. Because when you feel alone, there's nothing you want more sometimes than for someone else to do that reaching. But, do it. Just this time, and I pray that God ordains that moment for you, to find relief and peace, and a heart open to hearing & helping you where you're at.

Life can be tough guys. But it is also amazingly beautiful. So, keep fighting the good fight! Stay strong! IN the LORD!!! HE is Faithful. Even when we are not. HE always always is.

Peace + love to you. 

Motherhood

Can you sense a theme in the blogs posted since our daughter has been born?! Ha!

Well the epic journey that is having and raising children is not to be taken lightly and certainly consumes all of life in its season, therefore, it's what's on my mind. Constantly.

Being a Mother means to be selfless. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely not saying I am selfless. It's actually probably been why becoming a Mom has been so difficult! Because, it truly puts YOU (me) on the back-burner. I am thankful I have a husband to help me, I know not everyone has that-- and it does help. But in reality, life for me right now is the Joy Channel, 24/7. And I mean-- it's the cutest channel I've ever seen, and it is all 1000% worth it!! So, I'm not saying anything contrary to that.

I just think for the past 4 months, my mind has kind of been reeling. On November 29, a tiny little human came into this world and has changed everything about our lives. And since then, we also bought our first home and moved--all the craziness that seasons like that entail. So- it's like I've just been feeling this constant pouring out of myself- pouring into Joy, into Alex, into moving, into getting back into the swing of things at work... and as for myself, I've just been emptied. And it's left me seeing the person I'm becoming in this new role in life and not recognizing her yet. I know I am still me, but this season has required me to lay myself down. Old ways of relaxing, the old ways of enjoying my free time, the things that help me to feel like myself and to feel alive. Those are all just on the back-burner for now. And now that we're settled in our new home, feeling more used to it, and finding our routine here-- it's like all of this reality is hitting me.

This is my new normal for now. I know Joy (and any future children) won't require our constant attention forever-- these little years will go by fast, and one day in the future I will have time for myself again (you know, time to shower, actually do my hair and make-up, sit and have a warm cup of coffee in the morning every day...) and the deeper things, the callings I feel God has put on my life. What I am supposed to bring to the world around me, outside of our home.

But for now this is my calling. This is the season God has led my life to. To give myself up in ways, and pour my time, attention, affection and care into my daughter and husband. It really is a sweet deal when I think about it, (and get over the moments when I just want a second to myself).

The bottom line is, regardless of all of this, I am so thankful for this season. He has been so so good to me.

I was chatting with one of my dearest friends about this season of motherhood, as she is a mother of 4, and definitely could relate to my feelings, fears and exhaustion- and her words were a comfort to the deepest parts of my soul. This is what she said, "You don't have to fear that this season will erase you. It will alter you in some ways, it will kill parts of you that probably needed to die anyway. In many ways you will find yourself out of practice, but somehow even better equipped for the callings on your life. In the meantime, find moments for the things that bring you life. Care for yourself with the kindness you show Alex and Joy. Be patient with them and with God and with you. Turns out, this season isn't as long as it felt at first." 

I want to embrace it all. Fully. With all of my heart. I know all of these things that seem hard right now are being played out in my life for a purpose so great. Shaping and molding our daughter into a wonderful person is a high calling. I pray LITERALLY every day that God keeps giving Alex and I the wisdom we need to be excellent parents, examples and role models of the love and light of Jesus to our kids.

Parenthood!

A little over two months ago I became a Mother & my husband became a Father! And, I've said this before, but I truly believe this transition is something a couple can never truly prepare for (fully) when it's a first child. Maybe it's different with kiddo #2 or #3. Not sure.

Nothing could have prepared me for the amazing, heart-exploding moment when labor was finally over, and we got to see our little girl for the first time.

Nothing could have prepared me for how every aspect of our life changed and shifted to care for the needs of this new, little life.

Nothing could have prepared me for how every little coo and smile from Joy melts my heart into a giant pile of super happy mush!

Her life is just incredible, and in every way she's brought so much joy, happiness and wonder into our lives, marriage and family. I think the thing that has surprised me the most, is how much I LOVE the newborn stage. I have never been a baby person, never really liked babysitting or wanted to hang out with the kids in kids church (and as a general rule, this totally still applies to who I am), but I have loved every second of it with our daughter. People always used to tell me, "Oh, it's different with your own children..." when I would share my hesitations about becoming a parent. And they were right!

Every little cry or bit of sadness Joy might experience just makes me want to comfort her and make everything alright. And on the flip side, every smile just lights up the room and makes Alex & I so excited to have this precious little blessing in our lives.

It's such an incredible journey so far, and I am just so excited to see each new stage as she continues to grow. Thinking about how her personality will continue to develop, and what her voice is going to sound like as she begins saying words, and what her sense of humor will be like, and how she'll look as she moves out of the baby phase into being a toddler! It's all just so fun, and has caught me so off guard with how natural it feels and how much excitement I have around things that I have literally never thought about before in my life!

What a blessing to be able to raise, love and care for a whole human. To play a pivotal role in who Joy is going to be for the rest of her life. I know my hearts desire is to just fill her heart and spirit with so much love, fearlessness, adventure and to teach her to be a person who brings light and beauty into this darkening world. I believe her name is prophetic of who she is, and she indeed is already a carrier of joy, and I pray every day that God keeps giving us the wisdom to help shape her into exactly who He has created her to be.

So--- just my thoughts on parenthood so far :) (Photos added for cuteness!)

One Week!

One Month!

Two Months!