That's crazy to think about. This year has been filled with so many good, happy and life changing moments! I'm so thankful for all God has done!
All that being said, I am guilty (probably like many others, I assume), of letting my days and weeks fly by, filling them with many tasks. Some important, others not as important; none-the-less, events that consume our lives and in moments make our heads spin with the amount of pressure on our plates to provide, perform and be available in a real way to those we love.
That's where I am at right now.
Head. Spinning.
I have always been a people pleaser. I have always been that friend who wants to be present, and available, especially in a moment of need. I feel like I was put on this earth to help people, to talk them through hard or sad moments in life, and to be there the same to share the joys. And, in a way I've taken pride in the fact that I have been able to be that person to a select few through different seasons, and just be their rock when it was needed.
I like this about myself. I feel like it is partially how Christ is reflected through who I am, as one of His creations. Now, before you think I'm just, like, all about my self and giving myself airs (haha!)...
...I'm writing all of this in reflection right now, and seeing errors in my ways... and understanding why it is that I feel like my head is indeed, spinning---and why I feel like I just need to crawl into a cozy, warm and safe place for a few months to catch my breath. And my reflection has found this... while it is all well & good to be there for those who are dear to our hearts; the moment we step out of that place of living from the "overflow" in our relationships with God, we will continually come up exhausted.
Hence, I am seeing this pattern in myself. I am always looking for the opportunity to give pieces of myself (my time, attention, affection, advise, a listening ear...) to those who are in my inner circle. But, I am not first and foremost giving my time, affection and attention towards my Savior, the one who even sustains me to be able to be this person in the lives around me. So, I come up short. Every time. Worn down, a shell of a person, and only half way there because I haven't gone to the source to refill and restore my heart.
This isn't the pattern I want to see in my life anymore. This isn't how we were meant to live. All of these things pulling at our attention day to day, while they aren't all inherently bad or wrong, can be such a distraction from the true moments of real life and blessings that God has placed all around us in this world.
Therefore, I've decided. I am making a change. I want to be all here. Fully available and alive; for my future husband (6 months from now!!), my family, my inner circle friends, and for those who God might point out to me just on a day to day basis who just need a friend to be there. I am convinced I can only successfully do this with God being the first priority in my heart and life. He will fill me up daily, so I can pour out daily. So. There's that. Time to get on with it.
