Dying to my(self)

A new way of thinking was brought to my attention last week and it honestly turned some light-bulbs on in my mind. If you're a Momma, you know that sometimes this job seems to be filled with endless lists of what needs to be done. It can feel exhausting, and thankless in moments. (Disclaimer: before everyone thinks poorly of my husband because of this post!!! Please don't!!! He's SUCH a hard worker, a wonderful husband & father & is constantly, literally every single day working to provide and serve us!!! And a lot of the things I'm thinking of don't even directly relate to him helping or not helping! It's just motherhood, and being a wife and adjusting to what that means in my own life!)

So, I strolled into work one morning, and decided to vent a few of my frustrations to my co-workers, (I am lucky enough to work with a small group of Godly women (and one dude, my boss, who happens to also be my pastor, lol), and I was met with a lot of reciprocating feelings from the fellow mothers and wives in our little group. After I realized I started what felt like a small uprising of the annoyed, conviction fell on my heart... or maybe that happened when my boss/pastor walked in on our woman's rights rally at just the right moment (insert embarrassed emoji!!!) Anyhow, the conversation fizzled off, and I felt justified in the frustrations I conveyed, and was determined to try to find some resolutions, talk things over with my husband and see if we were able to come to agreements and see eye to eye on whose job it really is to wash the dishes everyday! (We both agree it's an equal opportunity chore! Lol) We ended up having a great conversation actually, and I was definitely met with understanding and willingness to help be part of the solution!

Then, Sunday rolls around, and the message was brought. Aforementioned pastor/boss has been preaching from the Judges (of the Old Testament) and honestly, I can't remember the finer details of the sermon (I hardly remember what I had, or if I had breakfast today!) but I do remember the heart of one of the points he made, was that, when we commit to serving God- we die to our old selves. We put on Christ, and from that, we live a life of servant-hood. And the way this played out in my mind was like this...

My old self, single, unmarried, nomadic Melissa, served me... and did what I felt like doing at any point in time, made my own plans, didn't really have to check in with anyone on anything, and honestly never had to worry about many other responsibilities. 

My new self is a woman who is a wife, a mother, a homemaker, a student, an employee, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and above all is a Christ follower... and a person who needs to look beyond herself to better all of those parts of who I am. 

When I look at my seemingly endless responsibilities at home at this point in my life, it would serve those around me better, (any myself) to look through eyes of a servant, to see where I can impact others for the greater good, make a difference, make someone's day brighter. It's easy to feel like I'm drowning in all the things I feel like I have to juggle on my own (while Alex is working) and it's been easy for me to feel resentful that I don't feel like I am the carefree person I used to be. I feel lucky on the days when I am able to run to the store by myself and have just an hour or two to not feel like I am responsible for another persons life and well-being. But, maybe in the end that's just what maturing looks like, and what it feels like. I haven't lost freedoms or lost who I am, it's more like I've just had to rearrange the way I feel like those things need to look on a day to day basis.

And I'm sure as our little one grows, the new seasons will change how all of this plays out as well. Right now it just the high intensity time in our lives, working, serving, helping, growing, and it does require a lot 24/7 attention and care (out of Alex and I both), but I am seeing it is not anything to be resentful about.

So, I'm seeing this is who I am now, the next level up in my journey as a human being! Not that I've morphed into some new person. I'm still me. I still love The Office, HIMYM and Gilmore Girls, and listening to Shane and Shane or blasting Lifehouse or Lecrae as I drive around & I will certainly always love getting pedicures and massages and doing things to pamper and treat myself!!!) Who I am at the core won't be changed, but it will be altered for the better of all as each season of life comes and goes, and as friends sharpen me, and teach me the better way. The better way to love, serve and heal those around me.

That change is always welcomed. After all, growing and becoming the best version of ourselves is what it's all about. And I'm thankful for the dear hearts on this journey with me, who nudge and guide me to think and act like Christ- and to redirect me when I'm not.