Okay, so this brings me to my actual point, (I ramble more now that I'm not blogging as much, and I see the word jumble coming from me, processing on paper as my thoughts are attempting to be clearly conveyed...so, bear with me!) I've learned a lot about myself since new seasons of life have bought me different blessings and adversities. Which brings us to last night; I was sitting down to pray. My daughter was (trying to fall asleep) in bed, content but not quite there yet, and I (praying that she would just settle soon because I needed a little break) took my journal & Bible out- dead set on getting to the bottom of some struggles that are new to me (new as in the past 9 months or so...). I needed to get to the bottom of this root- the heart of the matter- trying to understand what is wrong with me, and why I was having such a hard time. This issue has spilled over into all kinds of other areas of my life recently and it was time for me to tell it goodbye.Fear. Anxiety. Panic even-- in the worst of moments.
The thing is, this isn't me. And that's why it's been a struggle out of left field, that I've needed to take several different occasions to sift though and try to understand. And finally, I do feel like some clarity came from the Lord last night. (Praise Jesus, hallelujah! For REAL!)
As Christ followers, our sole dependance for security, trust, safety (all that warm, good-feeling stuff) is meant to come to us through our rock solid foundation, and relationship with Christ. Take that away and we are left to grapple with the consequences of placing that security in a human (whether ourselves or loved ones) who are fallible. Not that there shouldn't be a level of peace, security and dependency in those relationships, that's a must too for martial success! However, when the fountain of that springs from a spouse, or another loved one (friends, parents, siblings, etc.) that's where trouble will start to brew.
So, here's what I realized about myself, and the beginning of the struggle I had found myself in. Little by little, I began to give that security over to people around me, who were close (relationally) and trustworthy. But, as I did that, I took bit by bit, of that trust I had placed in GOD and gave it over to those people, or even to myself in moments. The end result being that my stability was now resting on the shoulders of (amazing) people (but still, just people) around me. And when the waves came, seasons changed, people changed, and life threw curve-balls- I saw others around me shaken, then I would follow suite, and be shaken as well.
Once I realized the simplicity of this error in my ways- I was like, well? Okay. What do I do then? Just acknowledge that to myself and to God, and ask for forgiveness for the idolatry in my own heart and move forward? Or say some kind of prayer or psalm to get me back on the right track!? I don't even know. I do know though that God is all about grace, coming to us where we are, and meeting us, loving us and embracing us-- welcoming us back in when we have wandered off. So, I just went with the whole acknowleding & chatting with God about it for a sec.
Maybe it doesn't make sense right now how this all ties in with fear, anxiety or a sense of stability. But, if you're a parent you might be able to relate. The first few months of parenthood (watch, it probably never ends...) are filled with, 'do this', or 'don't do this because it will cause this result, a. b. c. or death!' leaving a brand new parent to feel utterly terrified of this tiny little baby that was just brought into the world through one of the most amazing miracles. So, for me, I guess I noticed this anxiety, panic and fear creeping over me in those days, when I was home by myself with Joy, and just feeling utterly inadequate. And if Alex (or my sister) wasn't home with me, I just felt like I would lose it any second, and pray to God to be there with me and protect my sweet baby (from what? I don't know... panic is irrational.) Then, as our baby thrived, and the worry on that front lessened- bam!! --- financial struggles came, and the pit in my stomach grew as we saw medical bill, after medical bill (and regular bills too...) come rolling in, and I worried, and prayed to God to help us through, and to not let Joy be in need or want of anything (or us, but, LBH- I would rather starve before I saw her without...).
So, this pattern of fear, anxiety, worry began working it's way into silly, every day things that I would have never even considered worrying about previously. And now, the bible tells us somewhere (I don't know exactly where) to NOT worry about tomorrow. Don't fret. Don't fear. God clothes the lilies and the birds, don't you think that He care even MORE for you, his child? (Well, duh... of course He does!) And it also says, that the foolish person builds their house in the sand, so when (yes, WHEN, because it always will happen!!) the waves come, their home comes crumbling down. But, if you're wise, build it on the ROCK, on Christ- so you're able to stand. And, that exactly what had occurred in my own heart, I was building things on the sand, foolishly. And when waves came, I was afraid. I knew that I didn't have that peace that passes all understanding in my heart in those moments, because I had chosen to take God off the throne in those areas.
This is real stuff guys. And I know anxiety, depression, panic are all very real things, and many people deal with them on MANY different levels. And I am thankful to the Lord for his deliverance and healing in my own heart for this matter. I know how difficult and impossible it can feel when these demons are at work, but GOD is GREATER. HE is the healer. Healing may come in waves, or in seasons for some, and it is always a process when He has to help us dig though years (for some people!) of misguided beliefs or misplaced security. But there is hope. I know this for sure. He has healed me, and freed me from the bondage I felt I was under, as recently as earlier this week. I know his freedom is real, and the peace he offers is tangible. Not without a fight sometimes, because there is one out there who always seeks to steal our peace. But, fear is a liar. (Yes, I stole that from a song on KLove! Lol!) And when we stop believing lies, and begin to make more room for the truth inside of our spirits, souls and minds- God is faithful to come and fill in the voids where it's needed, when He is welcome.
I guess all in all, I like writing this out to help myself process, but I also like others to know if you're struggling, there IS hope and you're not alone. If you feel alone, reach out. I know that sucks. Because when you feel alone, there's nothing you want more sometimes than for someone else to do that reaching. But, do it. Just this time, and I pray that God ordains that moment for you, to find relief and peace, and a heart open to hearing & helping you where you're at.
Life can be tough guys. But it is also amazingly beautiful. So, keep fighting the good fight! Stay strong! IN the LORD!!! HE is Faithful. Even when we are not. HE always always is.
Peace + love to you.
