[different]

There is a certain joy that begins to bubble up in my heart when I realize I am not like anyone else. The part that causes me even more joy as that revelation unfolds is this: I love who I am, and I am inexplicably happy that my journey can't, won't and shouldn't ever look like anyone else's.

I feel like I've known this about myself for a long time. When I was younger it made me sad, and caused me to feel left out in certain instances. Other times, it just made me feel uncomfortable with who I was, so I wanted to be more like everyone around me and ignore who I truly was inside. I know all of that is generally part of growing up, and as we all mature, we understand how individualistic God has created each of us...

Within the human scope, there is such a rich diversity in gifts, talents and heart-strings-- so unique and amazing that if each of us simply embraced who we were meant to be, and stopped being so concerned with "fitting in" or living up to the "status quo" that someone, somewhere invented, and just dove into who we are in GOD...I would venture to say this world would be a different place. At least I think the church would be.

I don't want to be a person who looks at someone else's journey of life with a judgmental heart. And initially, I think I felt that way because my motivation was that I didn't want someone else to look at me or my life with that same judgment. I've changed though. Life, God, love, people He's brought into my life, have all factored into how I have changed and not changed in a bad way, but more that these things have brought out in me who I really am. I know that I cannot rightly look at another persons life and gauge it off of anything I might think I know about "living right" or being "Godly" or any of those things that I've placed such high value on.

Yes, within myself, I desire to live right before God, and be a Christ follower in this generation. I want to be a person who is full of compassion & love and who is able to see past the outside of those around me and look into the heart, where things really matter on a deep level. That is who God has made me to be. And that desire in my life is so strong.

I feel in my heart that I'm so past the fake watered down Christianity, and the smiles and hand-shakes at church when everyone acts like their lives are just fine, but on the inside they're screaming and dying to just be held, loved and heard. This is a reality. I can't be that type of person anymore. I won't be. Real life isn't this perfectly scripted thing where we know all the right answers at every little turn, and there's no formula for love & for allowing God to change those around me through that love he has put in my heart. It's just the bottom line.

And the more the Holy Spirit shows me these things in my heart, the more confidence I have in him to really step into who I am. I am a person who wants to sacrificially live. I want to pour out my life to those he brings to be until I have nothing left. Living this way is the thing that brings meaning and destiny into my heart. I am NOTHING without love. And I know that when I pour out all I am for my brothers and sisters around me, it isn't something God will take lightly. I know it will invoke change, a movement, in the hearts of people and in the heart of God. I believe that my prayers and actions touch God's heart. I believe that with ALL of my heart. I know that when my heart is being spent up, and poured out on the things that he has placed before me and I am faithfully listening to him and obeying, his attention is on my situation and His solution is on its way.

I know this might sound cocky or prideful or whatever, but I am truly seeing I have this boldness in me to approach my God. He LOVES ME. He cares for the things my heart cares about and I believe that this relationship with him and I is something that is going to change history. I really do.

Even if in moments it makes no sense to anyone but me...

It's an amazing knowing in my heart, and I know it is something that will only grow and mature as I do...but this is just the raw, somewhat unfiltered version of this revelation in my heart. And it is good.