"Adult"-Hood

Raise your hand if being an adult is way different than you might have imagined as an adolescence looking forward in your own future. Parents used to always seem like they had it together, knew the answers to all the questions (hard & easy), had an endless supply of cash to buy the things we needed or even just wanted-- and man, they just made it look so easy!

At least my parents did. And the parents of the friends I grew up with.

But alas, here I am. In my 30th year of life, and how do I feel?... Like the 23 year old version of myself, just with a more serious job and more bills that have accumulated because I no longer live with my Mom & Dad (which I admittedly miss now & then!!)

I'm not saying I feel like my life is some "hot mess" because that certainly isn't true. The questions of "When will I actually feel like a grown up??" is something that just lingers out there before me constantly.

I had some dear friends stay with me last weekend, and we discussed a version of this thought process till almost 2am one of the nights they were here. This feeling of extended "college-aged" life and how in a sense we don't feel like we are fitting in with those in our age group. Most of my friends I grew up with are on their 2nd or 3rd child by now! Or, have their Masters Degree and are rocking it in their career of choice... And while I am so happy for them, and love their little ones, I find their life situations hard to relate to. I mean, I am engaged & will be married soon (in exactly 4 months, BTW!!! *SO excited*!!!), but I mean, I don't feel like I've arrived to this place of feeling like: Okay, this is it. I'm an adult. 

I am still in college. Still working towards that career goal of being a Counselor one day, which is so important to me. I'm still working on being responsible, saving money, and just trying to be satisfied where I am at until I really am able to make the career move I have always wanted to. In my life, I just never want to be immobilized by the journey, and the fact that it will take major perseverance to be who I want to be, and to have the thriving marriage that we aim to have, and to be successful and loving parents one day... Because when I think of being all of these things from where I stand, they seem like such distant and enormous goals to perfect and truly live out on a daily basis.

And inside, I am just like: Gosh, I hope I can be 1/2 the parent mine where to my siblings and I. And I hope I have what it takes to persevere through college, and take the leap of faith to be a great and effective counselor, and to love my husband and be there for him and give him my all, while juggling all the other things in my life that mean something to me. But, these are my dreams, the goals I've had for so long now. I don't want to just get half way there and give up, or feel like it's so much work. Because in the end I know I will look back and see it was SO worth it.

So, if there's anyone else out there feeling the weight of all I'm saying and feeling: You're not alone. And WE CAN DO IT! I know we can! Especially with God! I know for me, these dreams and goals are more than just random thoughts or hopes... they're what I was put on this earth to do.

He will always make a way, even when there seems to be no way. 

Taking a breath...

Wow! The last time I have written on my blog was literally ALMOST a year ago at this point.
That's crazy to think about. This year has been filled with so many good, happy and life changing moments! I'm so thankful for all God has done!

All that being said, I am guilty (probably like many others, I assume), of letting my days and weeks fly by, filling them with many tasks. Some important, others not as important; none-the-less, events that consume our lives and in moments make our heads spin with the amount of pressure on our plates to provide, perform and be available in a real way to those we love.

That's where I am at right now.

Head. Spinning.

I have always been a people pleaser. I have always been that friend who wants to be present, and available, especially in a moment of need. I feel like I was put on this earth to help people, to talk them through hard or sad moments in life, and to be there the same to share the joys. And, in a way I've taken pride in the fact that I have been able to be that person to a select few through different seasons, and just be their rock when it was needed.

I like this about myself. I feel like it is partially how Christ is reflected through who I am, as one of His creations. Now, before you think I'm just, like, all about my self and giving myself airs (haha!)...

...I'm writing all of this in reflection right now, and seeing errors in my ways... and understanding why it is that I feel like my head is indeed, spinning---and why I feel like I just need to crawl into a cozy, warm and safe place for a few months to catch my breath. And my reflection has found this... while it is all well & good to be there for those who are dear to our hearts; the moment we step out of that place of living from the "overflow" in our relationships with God, we will continually come up exhausted.

Hence, I am seeing this pattern in myself. I am always looking for the opportunity to give pieces of myself (my time, attention, affection, advise, a listening ear...) to those who are in my inner circle. But, I am not first and foremost giving my time, affection and attention towards my Savior, the one who even sustains me to be able to be this person in the lives around me. So, I come up short. Every time. Worn down, a shell of a person, and only half way there because I haven't gone to the source to refill and restore my heart.

This isn't the pattern I want to see in my life anymore. This isn't how we were meant to live. All of these things pulling at our attention day to day, while they aren't all inherently bad or wrong, can be such a distraction from the true moments of real life and blessings that God has placed all around us in this world.

Therefore, I've decided. I am making a change. I want to be all here. Fully available and alive; for my future husband (6 months from now!!), my family, my inner circle friends, and for those who God might point out to me just on a day to day basis who just need a friend to be there.

I am convinced I can only successfully do this with God being the first priority in my heart and life. He will fill me up daily, so I can pour out daily. So. There's that. Time to get on with it.