Motherhood

Can you sense a theme in the blogs posted since our daughter has been born?! Ha!

Well the epic journey that is having and raising children is not to be taken lightly and certainly consumes all of life in its season, therefore, it's what's on my mind. Constantly.

Being a Mother means to be selfless. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely not saying I am selfless. It's actually probably been why becoming a Mom has been so difficult! Because, it truly puts YOU (me) on the back-burner. I am thankful I have a husband to help me, I know not everyone has that-- and it does help. But in reality, life for me right now is the Joy Channel, 24/7. And I mean-- it's the cutest channel I've ever seen, and it is all 1000% worth it!! So, I'm not saying anything contrary to that.

I just think for the past 4 months, my mind has kind of been reeling. On November 29, a tiny little human came into this world and has changed everything about our lives. And since then, we also bought our first home and moved--all the craziness that seasons like that entail. So- it's like I've just been feeling this constant pouring out of myself- pouring into Joy, into Alex, into moving, into getting back into the swing of things at work... and as for myself, I've just been emptied. And it's left me seeing the person I'm becoming in this new role in life and not recognizing her yet. I know I am still me, but this season has required me to lay myself down. Old ways of relaxing, the old ways of enjoying my free time, the things that help me to feel like myself and to feel alive. Those are all just on the back-burner for now. And now that we're settled in our new home, feeling more used to it, and finding our routine here-- it's like all of this reality is hitting me.

This is my new normal for now. I know Joy (and any future children) won't require our constant attention forever-- these little years will go by fast, and one day in the future I will have time for myself again (you know, time to shower, actually do my hair and make-up, sit and have a warm cup of coffee in the morning every day...) and the deeper things, the callings I feel God has put on my life. What I am supposed to bring to the world around me, outside of our home.

But for now this is my calling. This is the season God has led my life to. To give myself up in ways, and pour my time, attention, affection and care into my daughter and husband. It really is a sweet deal when I think about it, (and get over the moments when I just want a second to myself).

The bottom line is, regardless of all of this, I am so thankful for this season. He has been so so good to me.

I was chatting with one of my dearest friends about this season of motherhood, as she is a mother of 4, and definitely could relate to my feelings, fears and exhaustion- and her words were a comfort to the deepest parts of my soul. This is what she said, "You don't have to fear that this season will erase you. It will alter you in some ways, it will kill parts of you that probably needed to die anyway. In many ways you will find yourself out of practice, but somehow even better equipped for the callings on your life. In the meantime, find moments for the things that bring you life. Care for yourself with the kindness you show Alex and Joy. Be patient with them and with God and with you. Turns out, this season isn't as long as it felt at first." 

I want to embrace it all. Fully. With all of my heart. I know all of these things that seem hard right now are being played out in my life for a purpose so great. Shaping and molding our daughter into a wonderful person is a high calling. I pray LITERALLY every day that God keeps giving Alex and I the wisdom we need to be excellent parents, examples and role models of the love and light of Jesus to our kids.