Joy Meets World!

Our sweet little Joy was due to arrive today! I thought I would take a few minutes to record down her birth story, now that she's almost 2 weeks old! I know a lot of people have asked me about it, and obviously if you're a parent, you know what a blur the first few weeks can be from adjusting to the new life and schedule a baby brings to the home! So, here goes!

On November 28th, I had woken up from a pretty bad night of sleep, interrupted with lots of contractions. I had thought they were simply BH contractions because I'd experienced a few nights similar up till that point. However, upon waking up, I had realized that I thought my water broke. For a person whose never experienced it before, I was just like-- well, this might be it. And it was about 6:30am, so I turned to look at Alex and simply stated, "Hey, I think we might need to go to the hospital today..." And he was just like, "What?! Like right now?! It's happening?" In Alex's mind, he had imagined a much more intense or rushed moment, rather than me just calmly letting him know my water had broken... Haha.

I called my OB at that point and let her know what was happening since I was only 38 weeks along, and she instructed us to just come on in, and the triage nurses would confirm my water really had broken (Alex was convinced I had just peed on myself, LOL, to which I was like.... Okay, well, I know that didn't happen, but whatever!!) and they would let me know how far along I was in the labor process if my water really had broken.

So, right around 7am we headed over to the hospital, and after some brief testing, our sweet intake nurse confirmed my water had indeed broken and said that it was our ticket to stay and we'd be meeting our baby soon! It's definitely true that nothing can really prepare you for that moment. This little baby we'd been anticipating for the past 9 months was finally coming. It felt surreal, a little scary and mostly just unknown, and for me--- just the impending idea of labor was truly right around the corner.

I went into labor with my mind made up to not have an epidural (I guess I mostly just wanted to experience it all, and see what I was capable of doing and all that...) and as the hours went by, I continued to feel confident about that choice. Hour 6, still felt pretty good, handling contractions relatively easily, same for hours 8, 12, 14... (and it just kept going on and on....) and by hour 16... contractions had REALLY ramped up, a LOT more painful and unrelenting. I was getting only maybe 30 seconds between intense contractions. Alex stood by the bed the whole time, letting me know when they were coming, and how intense they would be and when they'd be over, which was really helpful to me. Then I just hit my breaking point. The pain was becoming so intense, and when they had checked how far along I was after 16 hours, I was still only 4cm dilated! That was NOT what I wanted to hear. LOL.

Honestly, by then, I was SO exhausted, and hearing I wasn't farther along, I knew it was time for me to call it on the no epidural business, because I really didn't think by body would be able to take much more. So, in came the guy who administers epidurals, to bring me some much needed relief. Holding still for him to insert the needle in the midst of intense contractions was insanely hard to do, but somehow I managed and within 5 minutes, I felt like a different person. I was finally able to relax my body and rest as the contractions continued to come. Fairly soon after that, they check my progress again, and it had shot right up to 9cm within a really short amount of time. And right around hour 17 we began pushing to deliver the little one.

I kept watching the clock, because I was excited at the possibility of Joy being born on November 28th, because my birth date is on a 28 too, but as the hours went on and we approached midnight on the 28th, I realized that wasn't
going to happen! Which is totally fine, she came right when she needed to. And after 3 more hours of pushing--- at 1:59am, on November 29th, our sweet little girl was born!

The intense feelings of love, relief, excitement, amazement in that moment is literally something I don't think words can accurately describe unless you've gone through it yourself. Seeing her for the first time was just unbelievable. Such an amazing feeling.

As tired as we were, being that we hadn't slept or rested really in almost 24 hours at that point, seeing her just made all of that exhaustion go away. We were both instantly in love, and amazed at everything God had just done. It was hard, but such an incredible experience. The next few days in the hospital were a blur of learning how to breastfeed, trying to rest and mostly just lots of snuggling with the new little one and having a great time with that, even in our coma like states! Haha!

Going home was exciting and a little scary. The first week for me was pretty rough, evening out with all the crazy hormone levels, and just realizing that we are now 100% responsible for a tiny little human being, it was a lot for me to take in. You think I would have been a little more prepared since I had 9 months to think about all that. LOL but, again, I don't think it's one of those things you can really ever be totally prepared for. You just dive in when it's your turn.

Each day gets better and better for me as my body heals and everything emotionally and such goes back to it's normal levels--- and even learning how to care for Joy has become less intimidating as each day goes on. I know that we'll continue to learn as we go for sure, I feel like we learn new things daily with her! And we're each kind of adjusting and getting used to less sleep and more demands from this sweet little life, and it's just been so incredible so far.

We have felt SO supported and held up by our families and friends, coming around us and bringing us meals, encouraging us, and I especially have felt so uplifted by my amazing husband. He has been the most selfless, strong, encouraging and tender hearted through this whole process, and I truly feel so so thankful that he's the one I get to do this parenthood thing with.

So, there is it! I'm sure there's random details I've left out, but, that is the gist of it all! We're incredibly thankful for our precious little gift and it's so exciting and crazy that this is only the beginning of a lifelong journey as a family! Can't wait to see all the things God has got in store for us as we continue on!

Best Gift Ever! 

Pregnancy.

Okay guys. At 31 weeks pregnant I've got something to confess. I've heard women my whole life say how pregnancy is this magical time, you should be glowing and the bond you're creating with the little one is just so special.

Well.

I think they all grossly exaggerated.

I know I shouldn't be too hard on the whole subject overall, because objectively (and medically) speaking I have had a wonderful pregnancy with little to no complications, and Joy is happy, healthy and growing exactly like she should be. And for that, I am very thankful and grateful. But, as for my relationship with pregnancy itself? OVER IT. 

I mean, let's talk about how I have to get out of bed 3+ times a night to pee--- or how even getting UP from bed it a struggle. I mean, I literally feel a new level of understanding towards a turtle who is stuck on his back.

Or let's talk about how yesterday morning I woke up, uniform free day at work (score!!) so, I think to myself, I'm totally going to wear my new fall boots!!! As I excitedly get my outfit together for the day, and go for the finishing touch (my new boots from Just Fab!!!) I find out they don't fit!!!!! And why don't they fit??? Because your feet and ankles swell, especially in the 3rd trimester.

Or how when I walk 10 feet across our apartment I truly feel winded?! (I mean, what is that?!?!) And these are all things that just come with the 3rd trimester. I don't even want to get into the 1st trimester. That was REALLLY no fun at all. On any level.

And I'm not really seeking advise on how to remedy all this nonsense! I think sometimes I just need to let out the little annoyances and laugh about them so that they don't take over and ruin what really is a beautiful season of life. And, I know these are little things, and really, a very small price to pay for a beautiful little human who is an Alex/Melissa hybrid, and who will be so special and amazing when she arrives. But at the same time, pregnancy is rough. I will say, I never spent much time thinking about if I'd like being pregnant or not, or how I'd feel during the process; and that's probably a good thing! Going in with little to no expectations!! Because now that I am here. I'm not a fan! Haha!

I am sure I'll forget all the silly inconveniences (not being allowed to eat what I want, drink what I want, sleep when I want, wear what I want...blah blah blah) when we finally get to meet our little girl for the first time. And I might even be able to be persuaded to do this all over again... in the distant future. LOL! However, for now. I truly am counting down the weeks till December 11. Ready to meet our little Joy!  

Friendship.

Setting the scene: I was 9 years old, and my family was at our annual church Labor Day weekend camp out- Green Lake. I was at the pool, being a kid and enjoying my time-- another girl right around my age (a complete stranger in that moment!) & I begin to play together, and hand in hand-- began jumping into the pool together over and over again- having an absolute blast and laughing hysterically for whatever reason!

It was so simple. A friend was made in an instant. And that friend was Amy. She and I remained friends all through junior high, high school and beyond (we had our distant seasons & hard moments like most friendships do...) and remain connected to this day-- both of us married, and she, with three beautiful children, and my first one on the way! Amy is one, in the small handful of ladies I am so blessed to be surrounded by (even from a distance) and feel there will always be that lifelong connection regardless of the season of life we each may find ourselves in. 

I love this story, and thinking about the seasons in life where friendship came easily and it was uncomplicated- for the most part! I was so blessed in my younger years, with tight knit girl friends around me. It set the tone for friendships as I moved to new cities and states, and had the daunting task of developing new ones, in new seasons. And over all, it wasn't ever too difficult. 

I know there have been moments in my own life when I have been a really bad friend, in-attentive and more in tune with my own needs than with the needs of those around me. And conversely, I have seen myself being a wonderful and selfless friend-- dropping everything on my plate to meet the needs of those dearest to me. 

And through these ups and downs, I have seen the mark of the true & genuine friend: In the moments when we do mess up and fall short, and  when there are hurt feelings and wish we could go back and change words or actions--- the true friend remains, and shows grace and love in those moments. While the surface friends fade away because the friendship wasn't able to handle adversity, or there was an unwillingness to forgive and move forward past offenses. 

It's always hard for anyone to swallow the moments that they aren't proud of, or moments we wish could be taken back-- and there have been times in my life & in a few friendships that sadly took this path in which I have definitely felt that way. 

However, through the pain of losing a friend, or being rejected while trying to reconcile, it has caused me to see the true beauty of the ones who are here to stay; and the security it brings to know that there are people God has placed in my life who truly are lifers. And I know, as much as it pains my own heart when I mess up or cause hurt in a friendship, I have those in my life who will meet that moment with grace and love- because my presence in their life is worth more than offense, and their presence in my life is irreplaceable. 

Proverbs 19:11 A person’s wisdom yields patience, it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

And while I always wish to be reconciled and at peace with each person my life has touched, I know not everyone's outlook or priorities are the same. All I can do is continually learn how to be a better friend, and more in tune with the needs and hearts of those dearest to me. And by God's grace, that is who I keep on trying to become for those around me. And I hope it is a gift I can pass onto my own daughter as she ventures out into the world of being a true friend to those around her.

Half Way There!

In a couple days here I will be at the 20 weeks pregnant mark! Meaning pregnancy is already 1/2 way over!!! And also meaning in approximately 140 days my husband & I will be learning a whole new way of life with our tiny little daughter!! Thinking of that time, and how it truly is rapidly approaching fills my heart with so many emotions! Excitement, joy, anticipation, a few nerves, and just the general questions of the unknown in how Alex & I will each handle and cope with the new seasons flying through our lives just in this calendar year alone. For some reason, with our baby coming close to Christmas totally romanticizes the experience for me! Christmas is such a wonderful time of year, surrounded by family, warmth, and just those great holiday feelings- and adding a new member to our family just before the holiday makes me really happy! (Hopefully she'll feel that way sharing a birthday close to a major holiday the rest of her life! LOL!)

Our little girl at 19 weeks and 2 days 

Pregnancy has been an interesting journey so far. The first trimester was filled with me swearing I would never do this whole thing again due to feeling sick 24/7 for weeks on end. (Lots of fun!) And having this season begin literally right after marriage was-- although anticipated-- a lot to take in all at once. However, being past all of that morning sickness and yucky-ness & feeling more like myself, I can see how having more children after this one would be fine, and even welcomed!

In a lot of ways, it has brought my husband and I together in a new and really awesome way. There's nothing quite like the feeling of having the 2nd trimester anatomy scan of the baby, and us sitting there together like kids on Christmas waiting to see if our baby is a boy or girl & seeing her precious little hands, feet, face and body developing perfectly how God is making her. It was just a wonderful moment & creation is such a miracle.

A lot of people have told us how much of a blessing it is to have a baby, and others have said it brings a new level of chaos into life and marriage, making it more challenging than ever. And, while I am sure both statements have elements of truth in them, more than anything, my hope for us is that it brings our marriage and new family into an even more wonderful, selfless, loving place than ever before. Of course there will be learning curves thrown at us to get to that place together, but that's what I am aiming for in this transition, and I know he aims for that as well. I am a big believer in timing of events in life, and in knowing when God is accomplishing his destiny in each of us individually & as a couple... and I just know without any shadows of doubt that this is the exact journey God has prepared for us-- which leads me to believe He will more than equip both Alex & I to not only survive it together, but to thrive. I can't wait to see how our family continues to grow, and all of the amazing blessings God's got for us ahead! He is a good Father, and will teach us to be good parents as we follow Him.

Impending Parenthood.

Well, this year has certainly been packed with life changing moments for this lady!

On March 5th, I got married to this great man, whom I love + adore + have the privilege of sharing my whole life with going forward!
(Our wedding day pictured below, photo credit to my amazing bestie, Jenni, owner of www.Jenniphotography.com)

On or around April 6th, we found out we were expecting a baby!! (Yes, a real live human baby that would be all ours to raise + not mess up 9 months later!)
(Our little gummy bear's first photo below! Ah! I can't believe this is REAL!) 

May 27th, we adopted a super fuzzy, super chill and unfailingly adorable pup into our family- thus making us a family of 4, all within a few months!
(Flash- pictured below, just because I wanted to prove how fuzzy + adorable he really is!)

And I know, we've done all of this to ourselves! Lol! We had to fall in love and get married! And choose to begin our family right away, and the whole puppy thing, I know you probably think we're nuts adding that to the mix on top of all the other MAJOR life changes we're adjusting to already. But, I mean really, what kid doesn't want to grow up with a fuzzy pillow to play with?! (Probably some! Haha! But we want our kids to have a furry friend!)

Out of all the big changes, parenthood is probably the biggest one I am currently attempting to wrap my head around. S/he isn't even here yet, but has already flipped my world upside down! 24/7 nausea- thankfully letting up recently- my life, body and emotions in a constant state of flux- thank God my husband is trying his best to be understanding. And then there's just the sheer fact of, hey, we are going to be PARENTS here pretty soon. It really is a big adjustment. A major responsibility. Something that I really hope that we can accomplish successfully. 

I've always seen Alex be great with kids. It's actually one of the many things I really love about him. He can be a kid with them at the drop of a hat, LOVES babies, and they seem to like him too... and I've just had a lot of confidence in the fact that he'll be a wonderful and loving Father. Of course, we'll both have a lot to learn, but these things just come more naturally for some people. 

Myself on the other hand... babysitting as a teenager was probably the lowest priority on my list, and actually something I didn't like at all, even dreaded. (Michelle was more into that, Lol, and now she's a NICU nurse, go figure!! Little baby lover!!) And while I've always adored my closest friends children, I was always happy that they didn't have to come home with me! Ha! To put it honestly. And while I knew I'd be a mother one day, I just always felt like it was wayyyyyy off in the distance. But, I guess being 31 and married is arriving at that far off sight. 

I was excited when I found out I was pregnant. Excited + shocked (man, that happened fast!!). And a little nervous. Just hoping I would be able to become a natural at this. That I would have it in me to be as selfless as all my amazing Mom-friends, and able to truly give all of my time, effort, love and affection to my future child, while trying to do the exact same thing for my new husband. I guess you could say I just felt a lot of the pressures that would be on me in that moment. 

I'm really in the process of letting God show me the mother in me. I've been told I am this naturally nurturing person, and I've even been called "motherly" in ways, which I take as really high compliments. The truth is though, I've never had to be that person at all times. 24/7. But it is comforting to know I might at least have the basis for all of that within me. I'm really taking this time during pregnancy to learn more about myself, read, learn, ask questions. So, I am thankful it will take a while longer for the little one to be with us outside of my stomach! :) 

I guess ultimately I really just have to trust. I have to trust God to lead and guide both Alex + I on this new journey. And trust that I do have what it takes to be a great Mom, and trust Alex to know he'll be a great Dad... and that being surrounded by supportive parents, siblings and friends we really can do this! And it might even be a lot of fun! Clearly things are always better when they're fun! :) 

So, that's my life currently. Send us prayers + good vibes when you think of it! :) 

I don't think they would go wasted! 

[two-thousand and seventeen]

2017.

It's so weird to think we're almost at 2020. I saw this meme that said, when I think of 30 years ago, I still think of the 70's! So true.

What an interesting day & age we live in. Our society is immersed with politics, human rights, social justice, social media, and within all of those things, major hot button issues that are consistently the topic of heated discussions and debates. To exacerbate the subjects more---enter stage right, Facebook: the platform where people will say practically anything to prove their point, regardless of how cruel, inhumane or calloused their statements may be.

Sometimes I feel legitimately ill when I feel the need (for whatever reason) to read through streams and streams of peoples comments. The crazy thing is, remarks that are hurtful and hateful don't even have to be exclusively for political or hot button issues! It's appalling. Comments could be about a company advertising a product, and leave it to someone... you will hear of a person (or 50!) filled with bitterness and resentment if their order wasn't taken care of in a timely fashion or it took too long to ship to them.

My point?

Decency, decorum and civility towards the general public and in relationships in general, has completely gone out the window. The human condition has worsened and the plight our world finds itself immersed in now, is a population of painfully selfish, unloving and hardened people.

I've heard it said, "Oh, Facebook isn't real life. It doesn't really matter what's happening on there, or what's being said..." etc. etc. And, while I see where they're coming from with that statement, since I grew up without FB and in SUCH a different society, still, the sad truth is that this "social media life" is VERY real to the generation being raised now. They're learning from a young age the degrading of others publically who disagree with their viewpoints, or putting people down for not being the same as them; and they are seeing that this behavior is widely accepted and even okay.

We applaud young people who take a stand for their rights or causes, while they relentlessly defend their viewpoints till verbal bloodshed. Our tongues have become swords which cut and tear people to the heart, only, it's on FB, so it's not real. But, that simply isn't the truth. The rubble we're left with after each online altercation, are people who are cut down internally, and turn around and do the exact same thing to the next person who comes along to rectify their hurt feelings.

We can't ignore how prominent this social media world has become in our society. We can't ignore the repercussions of the ways people choose to implement their arguments and needs through this medium.

Any maybe you're not one of the people who I'm talking about. Certainly I know that not each and every person on FB acts this way. But, when I see the numbers of those who do act indecently, it tells me there is a true epidemic. And it is daunting to think of how to protect my heart and the hearts of my future children against this. I don't want to become this zoned out shell of a person, and I certainly would never want that for any of my loved ones.

Maybe it's time to stand up and say it's time to unplug. We, as a society, need to make real connections with friends we see in the physical form, with our eyes. Friends we can reach out and hug after a meaningful conversation. Hell, even just talking to someone at the grocery store!! Look into someone's eyes! Just CONNECT. Make a real, human connection with another person in our human race. And be genuine.

Be better. Rise above what and who society wants us to be. Rise above trends, comparing, judging.

I'm preaching to myself on levels here too. But in my heart of hearts, I know this is a real issue in our society these days, and I want to be a champion for changing that. I want to be different. It doesn't mean FB is inherently evil, or it's wrong to be on there, that's ignorant and untrue. But, if it's not making me a better person, what is it doing? Making me more judgey? Maybe a little less satisfied with who I am because I don't always measure up? Maybe it makes me sad because I constantly see the devastation we cause ourselves in this world?

It could be all of those things. But, for me. I know I can't be caught up in it any longer.

I am aware that this is just one of those really big personal revelation moments, and most people won't feel as strongly or as passionate as I do on the topic! So please forgive me if you feel like I am putting anything on you personally that isn't true of you! That's not my intention!

I just need to renew the culture of my heart within. Connect to Jesus. Connect to His people. And those who aren't His yet. Rant over.

The Way.

Situations concerning the church have always been really important to me. First, because I love Jesus and want the church body to represent Him well. And second, because it's a place I've always called home-- no matter where my congregation was in one season or another.

One of the things I love about the body of Christ is the diversity it has from one congregation to another. But, all of them (I'm speaking about bodies of believers who profess and believe in Jesus as our Savoir) are gathered for this ONE purpose: To worship our Lord and Savior.

We are all part of this epic line, this beautiful ancestry, of humans who have been enlightened and had our eyes opened to The Way. We have seen Jesus move in our own lives, in our own ways, and know without a doubt He is the only way. I've met so many amazing believers through my life, and through the years of my life where I was in full time ministry. Had the privilege to learn from some of the most anointed and radical people- and that has deepened the love and faith in my heart even more solidly.

I think one thing that makes me a little sad with all of this, and wish for growth to come (starting with myself), is to see unity across the board with all believers. This is what I mean. All Christians realizing we are all PART of this larger body. Even though we might meet in different buildings, or different days of the week, or maybe have slightly different expressions of worship and teaching-- that heart and purpose isn't different. I would love to see congregations supporting each other spiritually, financially or even with material things if needs are learned of. I feel like we may have fallen into the thinking that we are lone wolves out there in the world, or maybe that one congregation has to out-do another congregation, and we have lost sight of the unity that was meant to carry the entire body of believers through this life and into eternity with Jesus.

[Unity and Diversity in the Body] Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. 1 Corinthians 12:12

There is power in unity.

We were never meant to do faith, life, friendships, marriage, family or getting to maturity in Christ alone. And of course our immediate body of believers is vital, as we are also told in the Word to not forsake the gathering together, to worship and fellowship. I just also can't shake the feeling that it was also meant to extend further. I know I personally have been made better through EACH & every church body I've ever belonged to, and sometimes I am just like, "Man, if we could just get all these amazing people, from ALL of these different churches into one building, and working together to change our communities, cities and spheres' of influence... what a powerful picture and place that would be."

Make every effort to keep the oneness of the Spirit in the bond of peace [each individual working together to make the whole successful]. Ephesians 4:3

There is power in unity.

Nostalgic.

Do you ever miss a certain season of you life? Or miss the group of friends that came along with those seasons? Not that where your life currently resides is lacking in friendships but, some seasons just seem rich.

When I think back on seasons of richness in my own life, my mind automatically goes to a time about 10-12 years ago. I had gotten back from Teen Mania, went on a month long "mission trip" slash vacation to Mexico with my sister, and my whole life was just surrounded by these people who were on fire for God. To be honest, I mostly felt out of place. But these people made me happy, so I stuck around. I loved Jesus. I always have. But, I wasn't the same as these new friends I was so drawn to. I needed more depth. I was just floating through life, happy, content, loved Jesus... kind of like a nomadic hippy! Lol without the dreadlocks or smoking pot! :)

Then a short time after meeting these new friends, I uprooted my life in Chicago and moved to Henderson, Kentucky; literally out of nowhere. And two other people (and my brother, Jon) from my hometown moved at about the same time. We basically lived in the prayer room for the next few years...and let God do something new inside each of us. It was such a rich season. I had all these thoughts, expectations (some from God, some not...i.e. guys I was so convinced I was meant to marry, only to learn I was so very wrong, people who I thought would always be around, who only ended up moving on...) and as immature as I was when I really look back at life then, and the valleys I had through those moments, it was a good season.

I realize though as well, somewhere along the way... I just felt like I didn't fit in with these people who were so on fire for God, and spent 4 hours a day praying and fasted every other week! I started to believe lies about who I am at the core because of not feeling the same as everyone else. I was doing life like those around me for a while, but the truth is, I just was like... "Who am I in all of this?" Is this really me?  It wasn't a question of if I loved God or not. Of course I loved God. I love Him with all of my heart to this day.

But I guess I just needed to learn my own expression of that love for Him, for my own life. Nothing fake, nothing put on, nothing just to look like everyone else who was around me. I felt a lot of shame and rejection internally around all of this, because no guys from that friend group ever pursued me in a relationship (which I assumed meant I wasn't spiritual enough, or good enough, which I now know isn't true, since God has brought a husband, best friend & soul mate into my life, who I know is direct result of prayers! I just couldn't see that back then...)

That rich season was followed up by a lot of soul searching. A lot of friendships I wanted to be around me forever just falling away, one by one. (Not all fell away, the true ones remained! And they are still in my life till this day, and now in my husbands life also, which makes me so, so happy!!) But, truthfully. It was really difficult to see these dreams shatter. Friendships fade. People move on. It hurt my heart so much, and I felt so lost. I didn't know who I was without all these people around me to lead by example. I couldn't understand the journey God was trying to lead me on, by bringing so many great people around me, just to rip them away. It was difficult.

And it is cliché, but in those seasons of being in the valley, God really does do something. All of a sudden in my life it was just me. Me and God. I finally needed to just allow GOD to lead me, not any man, woman or any other person. Thankfully I was in the most loving environment of my parents home again at this point, and they have always been beacons of light and direction in my life. So I finally just had this opportunity to be with God. To truly find out who I am.

Roughly 10 years later, I feel like I've been through some epic ups & down's with in this journey. He has been so faithful to surround my life with the people I needed to be the truest version of myself. To learn and grow and allow God to mold me into HIS likeness and not the likeness of the people I idolized in ways. He has brought the man who was made for me into my life (which trust me, I had a hard time believing that would ever happen!! Lol), and we are happily married and have a little baby on the way! I really am SO thankful for all the prayers I pleaded with God for that He chose to not answer. And for the times He held me in my hopelessness and crushed heart.

He is faithful till the end. And I know who I am. I know my Father well, and I know who He has made me to be, and who I am to be in the lives of those around me. Sure, I still need the healing of God in certain areas of this heart of mine-- restoration, and I know most people do. I am just immensely happy that He's brought me out of the pit I dug for myself emotionally back then, and that He's helping me to be myself, and not compare my journey to anyone else's.

My new little family has a very specific purpose and plan in God's eyes. As do I, as an individual in that family. I'm grateful for the husband I have who lovingly leads me to God daily, and encourages me to be all I can be for God's purposes. And I am grateful for my Heavenly Father who continually intercedes, leads, guides, forgives and loves UNCONDITIONALLY. He's so good. So, don't give up if you're still in the middle of that process. It can be painful, heart wrenching, but hold tight to the hope He gives, and never take your eyes off of Him. He'll lead you exactly where He wants you to be. And don't be afraid of life getting messy in moments. It happens. He will be there to clean you up.

Forgiving.

Well, first official post of 2017... and it's almost May. I will admit I have slacked off in the whole blog department, but I mean, I've had some things going on! (Getting married, starting a new job, figuring out the remainder of my schooling (blah, blah, blah).

Regardless, I have missed writing. I want to get back into it, for myself really. I have always been such a verbal processor when it comes to life, and figuring out difficult situations, deep situations--really anything. So, I've kept a journal most of my life because of this, and I think it's served me well.

Anyways. The thoughts that have been running through my head lately revolve around friendships. Who my actual TRUE friends in life are. Adulthood. Marriage. Having an epic marriage. Impending parenthood (now that I'm married). The church. My role in the church. How to be a better version of myself in all of these contexts.

I've seen myself shift through the years. And, I don't say that in a negative connotation; but just a truthful observation of myself. I think as I've gotten past my late 20's and into my early 30's (turning 31 tomorrow! Can hardly believe it!!) I have become more self aware, more of an introvert, an analyzer- of myself & of those around me.

I grew up in a wonderful (if not slightly sheltered) home. And it's something I will always be thankful for. I had the blessing (or at least the mindset) of feeling like the world and everything in it was perfect for a really long time. Some people would see that as a major negative, but honestly I am glad I grew up like that and was guarded from some of the harsher realities of this world we live in- I know it has shaped who I am, how I think and process life. And I really think it's been a beneficial factor on many levels.

However, because of this-- I never really did go through anything that I would consider significantly difficult, or challenging to overcome until my mid-twenties. And when challenges did begin to present themselves in my life- through various situations, I didn't have any framework or context for HOW to even deal with hardship. It simply made me shut down. Become controlling of whatever situation was challenging my mindset of the perfect world I had always known. I felt real betrayal for the first time in my life. Betrayal of friendships I thought I could trust in, people who I thought were one way, but were truly someone entirely different. It was all so new to me.

I'm not trying to paint a sob story here-- but experiencing these new emotions and learning how to be myself through them, and overcome them was (and still can be) really challenging to me. In ways, God has allowed the worst in me to be exposed (unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment...) but the truth is that I needed to see those things come up in myself, because they were always there. It's that sin nature all of us have, and I guess it just took life longer to instigate those emotions in me than it does for others. Some people face these harsh realities as small children, and then have to move forward to cope with a cold and cruel world since that's all they've ever know. And I am blessed to have been given the framework that the world can be a loving and kind place, and that I can be that love and light in others lives no matter what comes my way, because that is what I truly believe at my core--even though hard things do come along now and again.

Where this leaves me right now? I guess I feel like I'm in the wake of dealing with things that have been hard over the last few years. Struggling to find peace & resolve. Struggling to truly forgive. It's so much harder than I ever knew, because I never really had to extend deep levels of forgiveness to people who have wounded my soul. I've had a few friendships completely disintegrate beyond repair (which has never happened before in my life). People who have spoken words of death & cruelty over my husband (because of his struggles from his past, and his life before knowing Christ) and spoken negative words over our relationship (when the words were spoken we weren't married, but still affected my heart greatly) and the ins and outs of navigating a relationship in general which can be difficult as God brings each of our dirt to the surface to be dealt with.

All of these things put together. My heart just started to feel like a hard, cold, and sad thing... I didn't like this feeling of reality. That people could be so unloving. Uncaring. Selfish.

But, I'm left with the choice now, as cliché as it is, I can either "get better or stay bitter...and become increasingly bitter" if I don't deal with the hurts in my heart. And with all my heart I want to get better. To be a person who forgives truly, and completely with all of my heart. Because that's what Jesus did for me. And also because the Word of God literally says, "Hey, if you can't forgive, then God really can't forgive you." And I'm also struck with the thankfulness that God leads us to repentance and healing as a loving Father, and that He has given me a husband who truly loves all of me, no matter the state of my heart from season to season, and that can deeply empathize with hurt, pain, and what it means to forgive people that have caused pain in the past.

I guess more than anything, if you have ever struggled with this battle and you're reading this-- you're not alone. And, the truth I know so so much deeper than any pain, betrayal or hurt I could ever feel, is that the love and light of my Savior is always greater. His love is always going to heal, restore and rebuild. No matter what--- if that is the direction we guide our own hearts towards. And that's the choice I make. To guide my heart towards love, forgiveness, goodness, and being whole. Letting go of what was, and running towards what is ahead through my Lord and Savior. And it is a process. Life is always a process. But, all things are possible through Him. And that's just simply the truth.