Impending Parenthood.

Well, this year has certainly been packed with life changing moments for this lady!

On March 5th, I got married to this great man, whom I love + adore + have the privilege of sharing my whole life with going forward!
(Our wedding day pictured below, photo credit to my amazing bestie, Jenni, owner of www.Jenniphotography.com)

On or around April 6th, we found out we were expecting a baby!! (Yes, a real live human baby that would be all ours to raise + not mess up 9 months later!)
(Our little gummy bear's first photo below! Ah! I can't believe this is REAL!) 

May 27th, we adopted a super fuzzy, super chill and unfailingly adorable pup into our family- thus making us a family of 4, all within a few months!
(Flash- pictured below, just because I wanted to prove how fuzzy + adorable he really is!)

And I know, we've done all of this to ourselves! Lol! We had to fall in love and get married! And choose to begin our family right away, and the whole puppy thing, I know you probably think we're nuts adding that to the mix on top of all the other MAJOR life changes we're adjusting to already. But, I mean really, what kid doesn't want to grow up with a fuzzy pillow to play with?! (Probably some! Haha! But we want our kids to have a furry friend!)

Out of all the big changes, parenthood is probably the biggest one I am currently attempting to wrap my head around. S/he isn't even here yet, but has already flipped my world upside down! 24/7 nausea- thankfully letting up recently- my life, body and emotions in a constant state of flux- thank God my husband is trying his best to be understanding. And then there's just the sheer fact of, hey, we are going to be PARENTS here pretty soon. It really is a big adjustment. A major responsibility. Something that I really hope that we can accomplish successfully. 

I've always seen Alex be great with kids. It's actually one of the many things I really love about him. He can be a kid with them at the drop of a hat, LOVES babies, and they seem to like him too... and I've just had a lot of confidence in the fact that he'll be a wonderful and loving Father. Of course, we'll both have a lot to learn, but these things just come more naturally for some people. 

Myself on the other hand... babysitting as a teenager was probably the lowest priority on my list, and actually something I didn't like at all, even dreaded. (Michelle was more into that, Lol, and now she's a NICU nurse, go figure!! Little baby lover!!) And while I've always adored my closest friends children, I was always happy that they didn't have to come home with me! Ha! To put it honestly. And while I knew I'd be a mother one day, I just always felt like it was wayyyyyy off in the distance. But, I guess being 31 and married is arriving at that far off sight. 

I was excited when I found out I was pregnant. Excited + shocked (man, that happened fast!!). And a little nervous. Just hoping I would be able to become a natural at this. That I would have it in me to be as selfless as all my amazing Mom-friends, and able to truly give all of my time, effort, love and affection to my future child, while trying to do the exact same thing for my new husband. I guess you could say I just felt a lot of the pressures that would be on me in that moment. 

I'm really in the process of letting God show me the mother in me. I've been told I am this naturally nurturing person, and I've even been called "motherly" in ways, which I take as really high compliments. The truth is though, I've never had to be that person at all times. 24/7. But it is comforting to know I might at least have the basis for all of that within me. I'm really taking this time during pregnancy to learn more about myself, read, learn, ask questions. So, I am thankful it will take a while longer for the little one to be with us outside of my stomach! :) 

I guess ultimately I really just have to trust. I have to trust God to lead and guide both Alex + I on this new journey. And trust that I do have what it takes to be a great Mom, and trust Alex to know he'll be a great Dad... and that being surrounded by supportive parents, siblings and friends we really can do this! And it might even be a lot of fun! Clearly things are always better when they're fun! :) 

So, that's my life currently. Send us prayers + good vibes when you think of it! :) 

I don't think they would go wasted! 

[two-thousand and seventeen]

2017.

It's so weird to think we're almost at 2020. I saw this meme that said, when I think of 30 years ago, I still think of the 70's! So true.

What an interesting day & age we live in. Our society is immersed with politics, human rights, social justice, social media, and within all of those things, major hot button issues that are consistently the topic of heated discussions and debates. To exacerbate the subjects more---enter stage right, Facebook: the platform where people will say practically anything to prove their point, regardless of how cruel, inhumane or calloused their statements may be.

Sometimes I feel legitimately ill when I feel the need (for whatever reason) to read through streams and streams of peoples comments. The crazy thing is, remarks that are hurtful and hateful don't even have to be exclusively for political or hot button issues! It's appalling. Comments could be about a company advertising a product, and leave it to someone... you will hear of a person (or 50!) filled with bitterness and resentment if their order wasn't taken care of in a timely fashion or it took too long to ship to them.

My point?

Decency, decorum and civility towards the general public and in relationships in general, has completely gone out the window. The human condition has worsened and the plight our world finds itself immersed in now, is a population of painfully selfish, unloving and hardened people.

I've heard it said, "Oh, Facebook isn't real life. It doesn't really matter what's happening on there, or what's being said..." etc. etc. And, while I see where they're coming from with that statement, since I grew up without FB and in SUCH a different society, still, the sad truth is that this "social media life" is VERY real to the generation being raised now. They're learning from a young age the degrading of others publically who disagree with their viewpoints, or putting people down for not being the same as them; and they are seeing that this behavior is widely accepted and even okay.

We applaud young people who take a stand for their rights or causes, while they relentlessly defend their viewpoints till verbal bloodshed. Our tongues have become swords which cut and tear people to the heart, only, it's on FB, so it's not real. But, that simply isn't the truth. The rubble we're left with after each online altercation, are people who are cut down internally, and turn around and do the exact same thing to the next person who comes along to rectify their hurt feelings.

We can't ignore how prominent this social media world has become in our society. We can't ignore the repercussions of the ways people choose to implement their arguments and needs through this medium.

Any maybe you're not one of the people who I'm talking about. Certainly I know that not each and every person on FB acts this way. But, when I see the numbers of those who do act indecently, it tells me there is a true epidemic. And it is daunting to think of how to protect my heart and the hearts of my future children against this. I don't want to become this zoned out shell of a person, and I certainly would never want that for any of my loved ones.

Maybe it's time to stand up and say it's time to unplug. We, as a society, need to make real connections with friends we see in the physical form, with our eyes. Friends we can reach out and hug after a meaningful conversation. Hell, even just talking to someone at the grocery store!! Look into someone's eyes! Just CONNECT. Make a real, human connection with another person in our human race. And be genuine.

Be better. Rise above what and who society wants us to be. Rise above trends, comparing, judging.

I'm preaching to myself on levels here too. But in my heart of hearts, I know this is a real issue in our society these days, and I want to be a champion for changing that. I want to be different. It doesn't mean FB is inherently evil, or it's wrong to be on there, that's ignorant and untrue. But, if it's not making me a better person, what is it doing? Making me more judgey? Maybe a little less satisfied with who I am because I don't always measure up? Maybe it makes me sad because I constantly see the devastation we cause ourselves in this world?

It could be all of those things. But, for me. I know I can't be caught up in it any longer.

I am aware that this is just one of those really big personal revelation moments, and most people won't feel as strongly or as passionate as I do on the topic! So please forgive me if you feel like I am putting anything on you personally that isn't true of you! That's not my intention!

I just need to renew the culture of my heart within. Connect to Jesus. Connect to His people. And those who aren't His yet. Rant over.

The Way.

Situations concerning the church have always been really important to me. First, because I love Jesus and want the church body to represent Him well. And second, because it's a place I've always called home-- no matter where my congregation was in one season or another.

One of the things I love about the body of Christ is the diversity it has from one congregation to another. But, all of them (I'm speaking about bodies of believers who profess and believe in Jesus as our Savoir) are gathered for this ONE purpose: To worship our Lord and Savior.

We are all part of this epic line, this beautiful ancestry, of humans who have been enlightened and had our eyes opened to The Way. We have seen Jesus move in our own lives, in our own ways, and know without a doubt He is the only way. I've met so many amazing believers through my life, and through the years of my life where I was in full time ministry. Had the privilege to learn from some of the most anointed and radical people- and that has deepened the love and faith in my heart even more solidly.

I think one thing that makes me a little sad with all of this, and wish for growth to come (starting with myself), is to see unity across the board with all believers. This is what I mean. All Christians realizing we are all PART of this larger body. Even though we might meet in different buildings, or different days of the week, or maybe have slightly different expressions of worship and teaching-- that heart and purpose isn't different. I would love to see congregations supporting each other spiritually, financially or even with material things if needs are learned of. I feel like we may have fallen into the thinking that we are lone wolves out there in the world, or maybe that one congregation has to out-do another congregation, and we have lost sight of the unity that was meant to carry the entire body of believers through this life and into eternity with Jesus.

[Unity and Diversity in the Body] Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. 1 Corinthians 12:12

There is power in unity.

We were never meant to do faith, life, friendships, marriage, family or getting to maturity in Christ alone. And of course our immediate body of believers is vital, as we are also told in the Word to not forsake the gathering together, to worship and fellowship. I just also can't shake the feeling that it was also meant to extend further. I know I personally have been made better through EACH & every church body I've ever belonged to, and sometimes I am just like, "Man, if we could just get all these amazing people, from ALL of these different churches into one building, and working together to change our communities, cities and spheres' of influence... what a powerful picture and place that would be."

Make every effort to keep the oneness of the Spirit in the bond of peace [each individual working together to make the whole successful]. Ephesians 4:3

There is power in unity.

Nostalgic.

Do you ever miss a certain season of you life? Or miss the group of friends that came along with those seasons? Not that where your life currently resides is lacking in friendships but, some seasons just seem rich.

When I think back on seasons of richness in my own life, my mind automatically goes to a time about 10-12 years ago. I had gotten back from Teen Mania, went on a month long "mission trip" slash vacation to Mexico with my sister, and my whole life was just surrounded by these people who were on fire for God. To be honest, I mostly felt out of place. But these people made me happy, so I stuck around. I loved Jesus. I always have. But, I wasn't the same as these new friends I was so drawn to. I needed more depth. I was just floating through life, happy, content, loved Jesus... kind of like a nomadic hippy! Lol without the dreadlocks or smoking pot! :)

Then a short time after meeting these new friends, I uprooted my life in Chicago and moved to Henderson, Kentucky; literally out of nowhere. And two other people (and my brother, Jon) from my hometown moved at about the same time. We basically lived in the prayer room for the next few years...and let God do something new inside each of us. It was such a rich season. I had all these thoughts, expectations (some from God, some not...i.e. guys I was so convinced I was meant to marry, only to learn I was so very wrong, people who I thought would always be around, who only ended up moving on...) and as immature as I was when I really look back at life then, and the valleys I had through those moments, it was a good season.

I realize though as well, somewhere along the way... I just felt like I didn't fit in with these people who were so on fire for God, and spent 4 hours a day praying and fasted every other week! I started to believe lies about who I am at the core because of not feeling the same as everyone else. I was doing life like those around me for a while, but the truth is, I just was like... "Who am I in all of this?" Is this really me?  It wasn't a question of if I loved God or not. Of course I loved God. I love Him with all of my heart to this day.

But I guess I just needed to learn my own expression of that love for Him, for my own life. Nothing fake, nothing put on, nothing just to look like everyone else who was around me. I felt a lot of shame and rejection internally around all of this, because no guys from that friend group ever pursued me in a relationship (which I assumed meant I wasn't spiritual enough, or good enough, which I now know isn't true, since God has brought a husband, best friend & soul mate into my life, who I know is direct result of prayers! I just couldn't see that back then...)

That rich season was followed up by a lot of soul searching. A lot of friendships I wanted to be around me forever just falling away, one by one. (Not all fell away, the true ones remained! And they are still in my life till this day, and now in my husbands life also, which makes me so, so happy!!) But, truthfully. It was really difficult to see these dreams shatter. Friendships fade. People move on. It hurt my heart so much, and I felt so lost. I didn't know who I was without all these people around me to lead by example. I couldn't understand the journey God was trying to lead me on, by bringing so many great people around me, just to rip them away. It was difficult.

And it is cliché, but in those seasons of being in the valley, God really does do something. All of a sudden in my life it was just me. Me and God. I finally needed to just allow GOD to lead me, not any man, woman or any other person. Thankfully I was in the most loving environment of my parents home again at this point, and they have always been beacons of light and direction in my life. So I finally just had this opportunity to be with God. To truly find out who I am.

Roughly 10 years later, I feel like I've been through some epic ups & down's with in this journey. He has been so faithful to surround my life with the people I needed to be the truest version of myself. To learn and grow and allow God to mold me into HIS likeness and not the likeness of the people I idolized in ways. He has brought the man who was made for me into my life (which trust me, I had a hard time believing that would ever happen!! Lol), and we are happily married and have a little baby on the way! I really am SO thankful for all the prayers I pleaded with God for that He chose to not answer. And for the times He held me in my hopelessness and crushed heart.

He is faithful till the end. And I know who I am. I know my Father well, and I know who He has made me to be, and who I am to be in the lives of those around me. Sure, I still need the healing of God in certain areas of this heart of mine-- restoration, and I know most people do. I am just immensely happy that He's brought me out of the pit I dug for myself emotionally back then, and that He's helping me to be myself, and not compare my journey to anyone else's.

My new little family has a very specific purpose and plan in God's eyes. As do I, as an individual in that family. I'm grateful for the husband I have who lovingly leads me to God daily, and encourages me to be all I can be for God's purposes. And I am grateful for my Heavenly Father who continually intercedes, leads, guides, forgives and loves UNCONDITIONALLY. He's so good. So, don't give up if you're still in the middle of that process. It can be painful, heart wrenching, but hold tight to the hope He gives, and never take your eyes off of Him. He'll lead you exactly where He wants you to be. And don't be afraid of life getting messy in moments. It happens. He will be there to clean you up.