Elijah.

Buckle up, this is going to be a long one. Our newest addition is 3 months old today. I know with each child, their birth story blog gets progressively more distanced from when they were actually born, but, hey...I am getting to it eventually and that's all that matters. 

 Elijah has the most interesting story by far, or at least the most eventful. His birth story begins with me being 35 weeks pregnant, going in for a routine OB check. Historically in my pregnancies, my blood pressure tends to trend upwards as baby and I approach the 40 week mark. In the past, it never became anything too significant, until this time. Essentially after my Doctor saw my numbers, she informed me that I needed to go home and arrange childcare for my children (while Alex was at work) and report back to the Labor and Delivery Emergency Department as soon as possible. Her intentions were to check me in for 24 hour observation and run a few tests to rule out hypertension and preeclampsia. I literally am having PTSD flashes as I type this out. LOL 

Instead of ruling out those two pesky, pregnancy induced diagnoses, I was DIAGNOSED! Yay! So fun. It was about a week and a half before my already scheduled induction, which was to be taking place at 37 weeks, so I was informed that the safest option for me was to just stay in the hospital for the duration, so I could be closely monitored and not stroke out and all that fun stuff. 

::Que the waterworks::

I don't think I've ugly cried so hard in my life. Although, now looking back, I should have been like, wait, you mean a whole week where I get to do nothing but SLEEP (in between being monitored by nurses 24/7) , binge watch Netflix and Hulu, and have room service?!?! I should have been more grateful. LOL However, emotions were high (thanks pregnancy) and my kiddo's didn't understand why Momma wasn't coming home, and my hubby was being so strong for all of us, but in reality it just messed with our routine and that made it hard. Only a few days passed though, of this separation before I was told I'd had enough "critically high" (or whatever word they used for VERY bad) BP readings, where they felt it was medically necessary for them to induce labor. I checked in on a Friday, and this was a Monday... I excitedly called my hubby and told him we were having a baby that day!

My amazing Mom jetted right over to our house (as per our baby game plan) to be with Joy and Sammy, and Alex headed over to the hospital. Induction began around 11am (I think..) and as for inductions I felt like things were progressing really well. By 10pm I was about 5cm along, which was FAST for me! My previous induction (and also previous non-induced labors) were sooo much longer... then a nurse came to give the latest update at about that time, and after checking things out, got a super concerned look on her face. She didn't say anything to me at that moment, but I could tell something was up. She called another nurse in, who again, checked things out and had that same concerned look. About five minutes later my room was swarming with nurses, the to-go ultrasound lady and my beloved OB, informing me that Elijah (or the baby at that point, we didn't know he was a boy yet!!) has FLIPPED into a breech position DURING LABOR!!! ::AHH:: 

The call was made and within 5 minutes I was being prepped for a c-section. I distinctly remember Dr. Ramsey telling me the baby was totally fine, but I think between the drugs and the adrenaline and commotion, it all felt very urgent and scary. I mean, a c-section is a MAJOR surgery. I guess in the back of my mind I always knew logically that it could happen if needed during a labor, but I honestly never expected to have to go through one. Frankly, it was terrifying, and weird. Alex watched the whole thing, fascinated, and casually chatting with the anesthesiologist who was standing by my head. God bless that man, he was such a calming presence. Alex was too. And I genuinely trust my OB with my life (clearly) so I knew I would be okay... but there's nothing quite like hearing your body being cut open, feeling yourself being jerked around, then somewhere in there a baby being pulled out, and then being sewn back together! LOL Gross. Also, amazing that we can do things like that, but, grosss. 

When Elijah was pulled out, they held him up for Alex and I to see, I began crying because I was so relieved he was here, safe...and he was our boy!! I remember saying that he looked just like Sammy. As I was being stitched back together, Alex went to be with Elijah, and I didn't realize it, but Eli was having trouble breathing. Clearly being born at 35 weeks and 6 days is a bit early on a baby's lungs, but thankfully we had prepared for this scenario and I had gotten the appropriate steroid shots for him, and I'm sure it helped give him a boost. He needed oxygen for a little while, and the nurses were preparing us for the eventuality of him needing to spend time in the NICU. Alex told me there was one nurse in particular who was really fighting for him, to just give him a little longer to see if his weird breathing would resolve. Once I was out of surgery and wheeled into a recovery room, they were able to lay him on my chest and really almost immediately they saw incredible improvement, and decided he was good enough to go back to our room with us, praise God!! I know He protected Elijah. 

The next 24 hours for me, where a complete HAZE. If you've had preeclampsia, then you know that after giving birth, you have to spend 24 hours on a thing called magnesium. Basically it's purpose it to ensure the Momma doesn't have any seizures. No seizures are great and all but it. was. awful. I have never felt like such a major zombie in my life. I'm sure the intense pain medication, coming off all the drugs from the surgery and the sheer exhaustion all played a part too, but I remember my nurse begging me to just try to drink and eat something, but I just couldn't. Clearly it got better, as all horrible things do eventually, and I began to be more aware and get to enjoy the fact that we have a new baby and begin really bonding with him.

Elijah was cleared and ready to go home after the standard amount of days, which was so awesome! My blood pressure however, was still so high, I was worried they were going to make me stay. Usually this medical condition is cured by giving birth, but the lucky few struggle with BP for the 4th trimester. I was this lucky one ::eye roll:: Basically, they let me go home because my OB said she trusted me to call or come back if things got bad, and she knew I was a good patient. And, I was back in the ER just a few days later with crazy high readings. They treated me and I came back home that day, but the next several weeks were filled with lots of BP monitoring, medication, and lots of fear and stress on me. It was truly so disheartening. I clearly still need to heal emotionally from that whole ordeal because it still doesn't sit well with me when I really think about it. Really, it was just a very scary time for me. I felt so out of control of my own body and that there was so little I could do to help or heal. It just took time. 

Praise God eventually I was able to get off the medications, and my body did heal, and in moments, I feel like it's still healing. I knew for sure after all of the things this last pregnancy brought me though, that I couldn't do this again. My body was very clearly telling me that I couldn't handle another pregnancy. Which, lucky for me,  I didn't really envision having another one anyhow, and now that I have spent three months as a Mom of three, I feel VERY solid in that choice! LOL

So, there it is!!!! A dramatic tale. It was harrowing in moments, it brought me to the end of myself in more ways than one. I am grateful that the Lord held onto Alex and I, and each of our children through it, and He also showed us such great love through our church body, our family and friends as we navigated all of it. I may be unpacking parts of this journey for a while, but clearly the beautiful parts of it shine through!
 

The Call.

 I have always been a person who is very in touch with my emotions and thoughts. I used to journal daily, which aided in that process of internalizing everything that was going on around me. It was my outlet. 

Far be it from me to blame this on anything or anyone but myself, but in recent years I haven't kept up with that tradition. The business of motherhood, adulting, keeping a house and currently being pregnant just takes my all; and once the day is through I've digressed into a tradition of binging my favorite shows as my way to unwind. 

 However, recently, I'm beginning to see the disservice that is doing to my heart. There are these moments- a song, a conversation, a thought- that sparks that "old" part of who I was, and it usually dissolves me to tears in an instant, because in those moments I remember I am a mom, but I am so much more than JUST a mom. I am an individual who dedicated my whole life, previous to this season, to so many other passions and callings. I am a deeply spiritual person, which I have always felt so grounded in and rooted to, and that is one thing that feels like it's taken a backseat, even though my faith remains steadfast, the moments I used to create to solidify that aspect of my life have taken a backseat. I understand that life ebbs and flows. There are always seasons for all things. I just feel this call deep within myself to connect back to that person who I was, and incorporate it into who I am now. 

My spirit has been heavy lately. Heavy with eternity. Heavy with the weight of this world. Knowing that each day that passes is one day closer to my faith and the faith of Christians everywhere to be challenged like never before. My heart is heavy for my children to know the Lord, and to love Him from a young age. And heavy for Him to protect them from the sin that is (and always has been) so rampant. I know He is coming soon. I know even in the Bible people were saying that, so by now, I'm sure some are just, "yeah yeah...we've heard that before." But I just feel it deep in my bones. I know we are about to walk through times that people in our generation have never seen before. I know it's the Lord reawakening my heart in preparation for these things. 

When I step back and really observe the things that I allow to take up my mind, my thoughts and time, I now feel the urgency to ask myself, "how is this serving eternity?" Petty drama and silly arguments seem so fruitless and such a waste when I have this perspective. 

Eternity is written on our hearts. On all men's hearts.  He is alive and He is coming back for his Bride. I need to be ready. And it is my responsibility to make my children ready too. And to come along side my husband in his journey, to encourage each other to be ready. 

Since our church has been meeting in person again, I continually have these profound moments during worship where my spirit is overwhelmed by the privilege we have to congregate and worship the one true God. Again, reducing me to tears. Along with that realization, it's just this surreal and daunting feeling of I need to hang onto these moments, these glimpses of hope, glimpses of God in the midst of us, and lock them tightly in my heart to access in future days, years when this isn't a luxury we're afforded any longer. 

I know I probably sound crazy. It is really hard to put these deep spiritual moments into writing and appropriately convey what I was feeling in these deeper moments. But, I know for myself, it's been a call. A call to wake back up. To get my head back in the mindset of living with eternity in mind. 

This is the song I listened to today, which was an all time fave a few years ago. It sparked this whole chain of thoughts-- thus, a post. 

Josh Garrels- Rise