Hi everyone! This is a paper I wrote for my Marriage & Family Therapy class this term! Obviously I write from an unmarried perspective, but happy and healthy people & marriages are things I am so passionate about! (Which is probably why I want to be a counselor!!)
And I love learning more about what it means to be a society where we see trends of amazing, vibrant, supportive and selfless marriages rather than hurt and broken ones! So, married friends, chime in with your advise and perspectives, because obviously you're speaking from experience! But these are just my thoughts and ideas based off of limited experience dating/being in a relationship & also a lot from the classes I've taken about marriage, family and communication!
So, here's the paper! :)
***************************************************************
It could be said that marriage is one of the most tumultuous relationships people will ever experience in their lifetime. It is a relationship that requires the complete and total effort of both parties involved, one hundred percent effort. The statistics are rapidly growing towards the failure of marriages, regardless of background or religious affiliation. It is fairly evident that as a society, and possibly that humanity in general is seriously lacking the skills and understanding about what it takes to develop, nurture and maintain a successful, healthy and thriving marriage.
Not to sound completely pessimistic, there are some people who truly know how to do it correctly. We have the couple every now and then that certainly seem to have all of their proverbial ducks in a row, and that is great for them. However, viewing these content marriages cause people to come to the conclusion that something is not clicking with their own relationship. What are the reasons marriages are not succeeding? When did the vows at the altar become “Until the pressure hits, then I am out” instead of “Until death parts us”?
This is a statistic from a Washington divorce lawyer, “When you break that down by number of marriages: Forty-one percent of first marriages end in divorce. Sixty percent of second marriages end in divorce. Seventy-three percent of third marriages end in divorce.” There are many things about this single statement that should cause alarm in the hearts of those who are married, or one day hope to be married. It is clear that there is something we as a society and certainly within the church, are over looking when it comes to cultivating an environment in our homes and lives where marriages can thrive and be what God intended them to be from the beginning of time.
As I speculate about what the possibilities are, and what the reasons are that so many marriages seem to be failing, or simply just surviving at best, I conclude that there will not be simply one clear cut formula or solution to each couples’ issues. What I do propose however, is that if a couple learns how to communicate effectively it will drastically increase the overall happiness and success of their marriage. The opposite will remain steadfast as well, that when a couple will not communicate, or can not in an effective way- it is inevitable that the marriage will suffer and each individual will likely feel more and more ostracized from their partner as time goes on. This leads me to believe that if we begin teaching effective communication habits and skills, that it will benefit the marriage relationship that suffers.
When I think about all of the possible hardships a couple could experience through their whole life, the hurts, oversights, or adversities that simply come out of nowhere, to think that a couple could afford to NOT communicate efficiently and effectively is absurd. The broad spectrum of life will require the giving of ones’ self, and the vulnerability to be open and real with other people, if there is a desire to experience life at a level that is worth living. Especially with a spouse, and in some seasons maybe only your spouse.
I do think our culture, Hollywood, and television have romanticized what marriage “should be”; a mirage of passionate love-making on a multi-daily basis, a beautiful and perfect home that never requires upkeep or maintenance, the perfect little family unit driving to Starbucks in their brand new SUV, and all at not cost. Therefore, when the typical, hard working, middle class couple meet and fall in love; they are desperately unprepared for what will inevitably lie ahead of them as they decide to embark on the marriage journey together. And I believe this is where counselors, the church and leaders in general could come in and begin teaching truths and preparing couples for success in their journeys. Marriage should be something to be excited about, and the prospect of doing the rest of your life with this one man or woman that you love is something to be celebrated. It is also something that should be continually cared for, realigned and readjusted as seasons of life come and go; and through all of this to maintain the love, selflessness and tenderness towards your partner that you had in that first season of knowing them.
This is where having the ability to be an effective communicator will make all the difference in your marriage relationship. It can be overwhelming to consider the scope of possibility that miscommunication can occur in relationships. From expectations about careers, finances, sexual intimacy, number of children the couple may want to create—to the whole subject of when life gets hard, and someone in the relationship feels betrayed or trust is broken through a series of bad choices. These are all issues that a couple will inevitably face in the course of their marriage. It is not a matter of if, but of when; and along with that, these adversities, believe it or not, do not have to ruin the relationship; but offer the opportunity to make the relationship even stronger when these issues are handled with love, maturity and effective communication from each person.
One of the biggest steps a couple who is struggling can take, is the choice to stand up and say that they are going to fight for their marriage no matter how much effort it will take. Coming to the conclusion as a unified front that divorce is not going to be the solution to the hard things that they are currently encountering, or may one day encounter. If there is unity on this level during hardship, the couple has a really good chance of going on to develop a better system in the marriage to where they will be able to open up to each other and find a place of safety within the marriage. When a couple chooses to go to a counselor to confront deeper issues within the marriage, this is a place where they will learn not only how to sort through their current struggle, but to also better prepare themselves for the next time a rough season may come.
When a husband and a wife are able to arrive at a state of emotional peace with their own pasts as individuals, and extend and offer forgiveness for transgressions that have happened in the relationship and move beyond what is past, the future will be benefitted greatly. A lot of the struggles that couples face could truly be disarmed with relatively no lasting negative impact if they were discussed and processed at the time of the offense. However, it is when one or both partners do not feel the security or trust in the relationship to confess when something bad has happened, or a wrong choice was made—this is when the long term hurt has the potential to damage the relationship on a deeper level. It is a Biblical truth that “Light will expose darkness…” I do not think this only means spiritual darkness, I think it is referring to the fact that usually the truth has its way of being found out whether it was intended to or not. When betrayal and hurt surface in a relationship after a period of time, the damage from these actions and lack of communication will inevitably be present.
Therefore, when a couple goes into marriage with the mindsets that divorce is not an option, communication cannot be one sided or half hearted, and secrets are not permitted—with all of this in mind, combined with the resolute commitment for life with your partner, it may lessen the blow when hard times do come. I believe one of the biggest reasons people keep secrets or hide issues in a relationship are directly effected by the individuals past experiences. When we seek healing from past hurts as individuals and have the confidence and security with a spouse to be open and vulnerable with deep heart issues, a new level of trust and relationship is birthed, and it is a relationship that cannot be replicated when it is genuine and sincere.
The marriage relationship is meant to be a warm, loving and healing environment for each spouse. It was meant to be the place to share the load that this life brings, even though our offense may have been caused by that very one in a season. When a couple learns to communicate through the thick and thin, though every day mediocre tasks of life, but striving to keep that relationship alive, vibrant and passionately selfless we would see a shift in the trend of divorce rates and overall happiness of those who are married.
It is the job of the church to begin this trend. Our marriages need to be setting the tone for the culture and society, not the opposite. Not only because we have Christ in us, who gives us the strength to overcome anything, but because we have the responsibility to draw others into the Kingdom. The draw will not be there however, if we cannot offer anything better than what the world already offers with its hurt, destruction and loneliness. What we have to offer should replicate the love, commitment and passion Christ views us with. That, “While were still in our sin, Christ died for us, gave Himself for us.” And in our marriages, to mirror that love, commitment, selfless devotion and relentlessness pursuit towards our spouse and children. This is what is going to be a game changer in our society and in how marriage should be viewed, and more importantly how marriage should literally function day to day.
In conclusion, there is no formula for the perfect marriage. However, what we do have are resources and tools to show us what it means to be Christ centered in our marriage, upfront and loving in our communication, and devoted in our pursuit of life-long love and commitment to the spouse we selected. The trials of life are certainly inevitable; and when seasons of struggle come it is not a sign that you or your spouse are necessarily doing something wrong. It does however, provide you both with the opportunity to strengthen your relationship by choosing love, and choosing vulnerability through actions and meaningful conversations, in order to heal and sustain a healthy and affectionate relationship.
***************************************************************
The end.
:)
