Regardless, I have missed writing. I want to get back into it, for myself really. I have always been such a verbal processor when it comes to life, and figuring out difficult situations, deep situations--really anything. So, I've kept a journal most of my life because of this, and I think it's served me well.
Anyways. The thoughts that have been running through my head lately revolve around friendships. Who my actual TRUE friends in life are. Adulthood. Marriage. Having an epic marriage. Impending parenthood (now that I'm married). The church. My role in the church. How to be a better version of myself in all of these contexts.
I've seen myself shift through the years. And, I don't say that in a negative connotation; but just a truthful observation of myself. I think as I've gotten past my late 20's and into my early 30's (turning 31 tomorrow! Can hardly believe it!!) I have become more self aware, more of an introvert, an analyzer- of myself & of those around me.
I grew up in a wonderful (if not slightly sheltered) home. And it's something I will always be thankful for. I had the blessing (or at least the mindset) of feeling like the world and everything in it was perfect for a really long time. Some people would see that as a major negative, but honestly I am glad I grew up like that and was guarded from some of the harsher realities of this world we live in- I know it has shaped who I am, how I think and process life. And I really think it's been a beneficial factor on many levels.
However, because of this-- I never really did go through anything that I would consider significantly difficult, or challenging to overcome until my mid-twenties. And when challenges did begin to present themselves in my life- through various situations, I didn't have any framework or context for HOW to even deal with hardship. It simply made me shut down. Become controlling of whatever situation was challenging my mindset of the perfect world I had always known. I felt real betrayal for the first time in my life. Betrayal of friendships I thought I could trust in, people who I thought were one way, but were truly someone entirely different. It was all so new to me. I'm not trying to paint a sob story here-- but experiencing these new emotions and learning how to be myself through them, and overcome them was (and still can be) really challenging to me. In ways, God has allowed the worst in me to be exposed (unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment...) but the truth is that I needed to see those things come up in myself, because they were always there. It's that sin nature all of us have, and I guess it just took life longer to instigate those emotions in me than it does for others. Some people face these harsh realities as small children, and then have to move forward to cope with a cold and cruel world since that's all they've ever know. And I am blessed to have been given the framework that the world can be a loving and kind place, and that I can be that love and light in others lives no matter what comes my way, because that is what I truly believe at my core--even though hard things do come along now and again.
Where this leaves me right now? I guess I feel like I'm in the wake of dealing with things that have been hard over the last few years. Struggling to find peace & resolve. Struggling to truly forgive. It's so much harder than I ever knew, because I never really had to extend deep levels of forgiveness to people who have wounded my soul. I've had a few friendships completely disintegrate beyond repair (which has never happened before in my life). People who have spoken words of death & cruelty over my husband (because of his struggles from his past, and his life before knowing Christ) and spoken negative words over our relationship (when the words were spoken we weren't married, but still affected my heart greatly) and the ins and outs of navigating a relationship in general which can be difficult as God brings each of our dirt to the surface to be dealt with.
All of these things put together. My heart just started to feel like a hard, cold, and sad thing... I didn't like this feeling of reality. That people could be so unloving. Uncaring. Selfish.
But, I'm left with the choice now, as cliché as it is, I can either "get better or stay bitter...and become increasingly bitter" if I don't deal with the hurts in my heart. And with all my heart I want to get better. To be a person who forgives truly, and completely with all of my heart. Because that's what Jesus did for me. And also because the Word of God literally says, "Hey, if you can't forgive, then God really can't forgive you." And I'm also struck with the thankfulness that God leads us to repentance and healing as a loving Father, and that He has given me a husband who truly loves all of me, no matter the state of my heart from season to season, and that can deeply empathize with hurt, pain, and what it means to forgive people that have caused pain in the past.
I guess more than anything, if you have ever struggled with this battle and you're reading this-- you're not alone. And, the truth I know so so much deeper than any pain, betrayal or hurt I could ever feel, is that the love and light of my Savior is always greater. His love is always going to heal, restore and rebuild. No matter what--- if that is the direction we guide our own hearts towards. And that's the choice I make. To guide my heart towards love, forgiveness, goodness, and being whole. Letting go of what was, and running towards what is ahead through my Lord and Savior. And it is a process. Life is always a process. But, all things are possible through Him. And that's just simply the truth.
