I have always been a person who is very in touch with my emotions and thoughts. I used to journal daily, which aided in that process of internalizing everything that was going on around me. It was my outlet.
Far be it from me to blame this on anything or anyone but myself, but in recent years I haven't kept up with that tradition. The business of motherhood, adulting, keeping a house and currently being pregnant just takes my all; and once the day is through I've digressed into a tradition of binging my favorite shows as my way to unwind.
However, recently, I'm beginning to see the disservice that is doing to my heart. There are these moments- a song, a conversation, a thought- that sparks that "old" part of who I was, and it usually dissolves me to tears in an instant, because in those moments I remember I am a mom, but I am so much more than JUST a mom. I am an individual who dedicated my whole life, previous to this season, to so many other passions and callings. I am a deeply spiritual person, which I have always felt so grounded in and rooted to, and that is one thing that feels like it's taken a backseat, even though my faith remains steadfast, the moments I used to create to solidify that aspect of my life have taken a backseat. I understand that life ebbs and flows. There are always seasons for all things. I just feel this call deep within myself to connect back to that person who I was, and incorporate it into who I am now.
My spirit has been heavy lately. Heavy with eternity. Heavy with the weight of this world. Knowing that each day that passes is one day closer to my faith and the faith of Christians everywhere to be challenged like never before. My heart is heavy for my children to know the Lord, and to love Him from a young age. And heavy for Him to protect them from the sin that is (and always has been) so rampant. I know He is coming soon. I know even in the Bible people were saying that, so by now, I'm sure some are just, "yeah yeah...we've heard that before." But I just feel it deep in my bones. I know we are about to walk through times that people in our generation have never seen before. I know it's the Lord reawakening my heart in preparation for these things.
Eternity is written on our hearts. On all men's hearts. He is alive and He is coming back for his Bride. I need to be ready. And it is my responsibility to make my children ready too. And to come along side my husband in his journey, to encourage each other to be ready.
Since our church has been meeting in person again, I continually have these profound moments during worship where my spirit is overwhelmed by the privilege we have to congregate and worship the one true God. Again, reducing me to tears. Along with that realization, it's just this surreal and daunting feeling of I need to hang onto these moments, these glimpses of hope, glimpses of God in the midst of us, and lock them tightly in my heart to access in future days, years when this isn't a luxury we're afforded any longer.
I know I probably sound crazy. It is really hard to put these deep spiritual moments into writing and appropriately convey what I was feeling in these deeper moments. But, I know for myself, it's been a call. A call to wake back up. To get my head back in the mindset of living with eternity in mind.
This is the song I listened to today, which was an all time fave a few years ago. It sparked this whole chain of thoughts-- thus, a post.
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