Nostalgic.

Do you ever miss a certain season of you life? Or miss the group of friends that came along with those seasons? Not that where your life currently resides is lacking in friendships but, some seasons just seem rich.

When I think back on seasons of richness in my own life, my mind automatically goes to a time about 10-12 years ago. I had gotten back from Teen Mania, went on a month long "mission trip" slash vacation to Mexico with my sister, and my whole life was just surrounded by these people who were on fire for God. To be honest, I mostly felt out of place. But these people made me happy, so I stuck around. I loved Jesus. I always have. But, I wasn't the same as these new friends I was so drawn to. I needed more depth. I was just floating through life, happy, content, loved Jesus... kind of like a nomadic hippy! Lol without the dreadlocks or smoking pot! :)

Then a short time after meeting these new friends, I uprooted my life in Chicago and moved to Henderson, Kentucky; literally out of nowhere. And two other people (and my brother, Jon) from my hometown moved at about the same time. We basically lived in the prayer room for the next few years...and let God do something new inside each of us. It was such a rich season. I had all these thoughts, expectations (some from God, some not...i.e. guys I was so convinced I was meant to marry, only to learn I was so very wrong, people who I thought would always be around, who only ended up moving on...) and as immature as I was when I really look back at life then, and the valleys I had through those moments, it was a good season.

I realize though as well, somewhere along the way... I just felt like I didn't fit in with these people who were so on fire for God, and spent 4 hours a day praying and fasted every other week! I started to believe lies about who I am at the core because of not feeling the same as everyone else. I was doing life like those around me for a while, but the truth is, I just was like... "Who am I in all of this?" Is this really me?  It wasn't a question of if I loved God or not. Of course I loved God. I love Him with all of my heart to this day.

But I guess I just needed to learn my own expression of that love for Him, for my own life. Nothing fake, nothing put on, nothing just to look like everyone else who was around me. I felt a lot of shame and rejection internally around all of this, because no guys from that friend group ever pursued me in a relationship (which I assumed meant I wasn't spiritual enough, or good enough, which I now know isn't true, since God has brought a husband, best friend & soul mate into my life, who I know is direct result of prayers! I just couldn't see that back then...)

That rich season was followed up by a lot of soul searching. A lot of friendships I wanted to be around me forever just falling away, one by one. (Not all fell away, the true ones remained! And they are still in my life till this day, and now in my husbands life also, which makes me so, so happy!!) But, truthfully. It was really difficult to see these dreams shatter. Friendships fade. People move on. It hurt my heart so much, and I felt so lost. I didn't know who I was without all these people around me to lead by example. I couldn't understand the journey God was trying to lead me on, by bringing so many great people around me, just to rip them away. It was difficult.

And it is cliché, but in those seasons of being in the valley, God really does do something. All of a sudden in my life it was just me. Me and God. I finally needed to just allow GOD to lead me, not any man, woman or any other person. Thankfully I was in the most loving environment of my parents home again at this point, and they have always been beacons of light and direction in my life. So I finally just had this opportunity to be with God. To truly find out who I am.

Roughly 10 years later, I feel like I've been through some epic ups & down's with in this journey. He has been so faithful to surround my life with the people I needed to be the truest version of myself. To learn and grow and allow God to mold me into HIS likeness and not the likeness of the people I idolized in ways. He has brought the man who was made for me into my life (which trust me, I had a hard time believing that would ever happen!! Lol), and we are happily married and have a little baby on the way! I really am SO thankful for all the prayers I pleaded with God for that He chose to not answer. And for the times He held me in my hopelessness and crushed heart.

He is faithful till the end. And I know who I am. I know my Father well, and I know who He has made me to be, and who I am to be in the lives of those around me. Sure, I still need the healing of God in certain areas of this heart of mine-- restoration, and I know most people do. I am just immensely happy that He's brought me out of the pit I dug for myself emotionally back then, and that He's helping me to be myself, and not compare my journey to anyone else's.

My new little family has a very specific purpose and plan in God's eyes. As do I, as an individual in that family. I'm grateful for the husband I have who lovingly leads me to God daily, and encourages me to be all I can be for God's purposes. And I am grateful for my Heavenly Father who continually intercedes, leads, guides, forgives and loves UNCONDITIONALLY. He's so good. So, don't give up if you're still in the middle of that process. It can be painful, heart wrenching, but hold tight to the hope He gives, and never take your eyes off of Him. He'll lead you exactly where He wants you to be. And don't be afraid of life getting messy in moments. It happens. He will be there to clean you up.