Elijah.

Buckle up, this is going to be a long one. Our newest addition is 3 months old today. I know with each child, their birth story blog gets progressively more distanced from when they were actually born, but, hey...I am getting to it eventually and that's all that matters. 

 Elijah has the most interesting story by far, or at least the most eventful. His birth story begins with me being 35 weeks pregnant, going in for a routine OB check. Historically in my pregnancies, my blood pressure tends to trend upwards as baby and I approach the 40 week mark. In the past, it never became anything too significant, until this time. Essentially after my Doctor saw my numbers, she informed me that I needed to go home and arrange childcare for my children (while Alex was at work) and report back to the Labor and Delivery Emergency Department as soon as possible. Her intentions were to check me in for 24 hour observation and run a few tests to rule out hypertension and preeclampsia. I literally am having PTSD flashes as I type this out. LOL 

Instead of ruling out those two pesky, pregnancy induced diagnoses, I was DIAGNOSED! Yay! So fun. It was about a week and a half before my already scheduled induction, which was to be taking place at 37 weeks, so I was informed that the safest option for me was to just stay in the hospital for the duration, so I could be closely monitored and not stroke out and all that fun stuff. 

::Que the waterworks::

I don't think I've ugly cried so hard in my life. Although, now looking back, I should have been like, wait, you mean a whole week where I get to do nothing but SLEEP (in between being monitored by nurses 24/7) , binge watch Netflix and Hulu, and have room service?!?! I should have been more grateful. LOL However, emotions were high (thanks pregnancy) and my kiddo's didn't understand why Momma wasn't coming home, and my hubby was being so strong for all of us, but in reality it just messed with our routine and that made it hard. Only a few days passed though, of this separation before I was told I'd had enough "critically high" (or whatever word they used for VERY bad) BP readings, where they felt it was medically necessary for them to induce labor. I checked in on a Friday, and this was a Monday... I excitedly called my hubby and told him we were having a baby that day!

My amazing Mom jetted right over to our house (as per our baby game plan) to be with Joy and Sammy, and Alex headed over to the hospital. Induction began around 11am (I think..) and as for inductions I felt like things were progressing really well. By 10pm I was about 5cm along, which was FAST for me! My previous induction (and also previous non-induced labors) were sooo much longer... then a nurse came to give the latest update at about that time, and after checking things out, got a super concerned look on her face. She didn't say anything to me at that moment, but I could tell something was up. She called another nurse in, who again, checked things out and had that same concerned look. About five minutes later my room was swarming with nurses, the to-go ultrasound lady and my beloved OB, informing me that Elijah (or the baby at that point, we didn't know he was a boy yet!!) has FLIPPED into a breech position DURING LABOR!!! ::AHH:: 

The call was made and within 5 minutes I was being prepped for a c-section. I distinctly remember Dr. Ramsey telling me the baby was totally fine, but I think between the drugs and the adrenaline and commotion, it all felt very urgent and scary. I mean, a c-section is a MAJOR surgery. I guess in the back of my mind I always knew logically that it could happen if needed during a labor, but I honestly never expected to have to go through one. Frankly, it was terrifying, and weird. Alex watched the whole thing, fascinated, and casually chatting with the anesthesiologist who was standing by my head. God bless that man, he was such a calming presence. Alex was too. And I genuinely trust my OB with my life (clearly) so I knew I would be okay... but there's nothing quite like hearing your body being cut open, feeling yourself being jerked around, then somewhere in there a baby being pulled out, and then being sewn back together! LOL Gross. Also, amazing that we can do things like that, but, grosss. 

When Elijah was pulled out, they held him up for Alex and I to see, I began crying because I was so relieved he was here, safe...and he was our boy!! I remember saying that he looked just like Sammy. As I was being stitched back together, Alex went to be with Elijah, and I didn't realize it, but Eli was having trouble breathing. Clearly being born at 35 weeks and 6 days is a bit early on a baby's lungs, but thankfully we had prepared for this scenario and I had gotten the appropriate steroid shots for him, and I'm sure it helped give him a boost. He needed oxygen for a little while, and the nurses were preparing us for the eventuality of him needing to spend time in the NICU. Alex told me there was one nurse in particular who was really fighting for him, to just give him a little longer to see if his weird breathing would resolve. Once I was out of surgery and wheeled into a recovery room, they were able to lay him on my chest and really almost immediately they saw incredible improvement, and decided he was good enough to go back to our room with us, praise God!! I know He protected Elijah. 

The next 24 hours for me, where a complete HAZE. If you've had preeclampsia, then you know that after giving birth, you have to spend 24 hours on a thing called magnesium. Basically it's purpose it to ensure the Momma doesn't have any seizures. No seizures are great and all but it. was. awful. I have never felt like such a major zombie in my life. I'm sure the intense pain medication, coming off all the drugs from the surgery and the sheer exhaustion all played a part too, but I remember my nurse begging me to just try to drink and eat something, but I just couldn't. Clearly it got better, as all horrible things do eventually, and I began to be more aware and get to enjoy the fact that we have a new baby and begin really bonding with him.

Elijah was cleared and ready to go home after the standard amount of days, which was so awesome! My blood pressure however, was still so high, I was worried they were going to make me stay. Usually this medical condition is cured by giving birth, but the lucky few struggle with BP for the 4th trimester. I was this lucky one ::eye roll:: Basically, they let me go home because my OB said she trusted me to call or come back if things got bad, and she knew I was a good patient. And, I was back in the ER just a few days later with crazy high readings. They treated me and I came back home that day, but the next several weeks were filled with lots of BP monitoring, medication, and lots of fear and stress on me. It was truly so disheartening. I clearly still need to heal emotionally from that whole ordeal because it still doesn't sit well with me when I really think about it. Really, it was just a very scary time for me. I felt so out of control of my own body and that there was so little I could do to help or heal. It just took time. 

Praise God eventually I was able to get off the medications, and my body did heal, and in moments, I feel like it's still healing. I knew for sure after all of the things this last pregnancy brought me though, that I couldn't do this again. My body was very clearly telling me that I couldn't handle another pregnancy. Which, lucky for me,  I didn't really envision having another one anyhow, and now that I have spent three months as a Mom of three, I feel VERY solid in that choice! LOL

So, there it is!!!! A dramatic tale. It was harrowing in moments, it brought me to the end of myself in more ways than one. I am grateful that the Lord held onto Alex and I, and each of our children through it, and He also showed us such great love through our church body, our family and friends as we navigated all of it. I may be unpacking parts of this journey for a while, but clearly the beautiful parts of it shine through!
 

The Call.

 I have always been a person who is very in touch with my emotions and thoughts. I used to journal daily, which aided in that process of internalizing everything that was going on around me. It was my outlet. 

Far be it from me to blame this on anything or anyone but myself, but in recent years I haven't kept up with that tradition. The business of motherhood, adulting, keeping a house and currently being pregnant just takes my all; and once the day is through I've digressed into a tradition of binging my favorite shows as my way to unwind. 

 However, recently, I'm beginning to see the disservice that is doing to my heart. There are these moments- a song, a conversation, a thought- that sparks that "old" part of who I was, and it usually dissolves me to tears in an instant, because in those moments I remember I am a mom, but I am so much more than JUST a mom. I am an individual who dedicated my whole life, previous to this season, to so many other passions and callings. I am a deeply spiritual person, which I have always felt so grounded in and rooted to, and that is one thing that feels like it's taken a backseat, even though my faith remains steadfast, the moments I used to create to solidify that aspect of my life have taken a backseat. I understand that life ebbs and flows. There are always seasons for all things. I just feel this call deep within myself to connect back to that person who I was, and incorporate it into who I am now. 

My spirit has been heavy lately. Heavy with eternity. Heavy with the weight of this world. Knowing that each day that passes is one day closer to my faith and the faith of Christians everywhere to be challenged like never before. My heart is heavy for my children to know the Lord, and to love Him from a young age. And heavy for Him to protect them from the sin that is (and always has been) so rampant. I know He is coming soon. I know even in the Bible people were saying that, so by now, I'm sure some are just, "yeah yeah...we've heard that before." But I just feel it deep in my bones. I know we are about to walk through times that people in our generation have never seen before. I know it's the Lord reawakening my heart in preparation for these things. 

When I step back and really observe the things that I allow to take up my mind, my thoughts and time, I now feel the urgency to ask myself, "how is this serving eternity?" Petty drama and silly arguments seem so fruitless and such a waste when I have this perspective. 

Eternity is written on our hearts. On all men's hearts.  He is alive and He is coming back for his Bride. I need to be ready. And it is my responsibility to make my children ready too. And to come along side my husband in his journey, to encourage each other to be ready. 

Since our church has been meeting in person again, I continually have these profound moments during worship where my spirit is overwhelmed by the privilege we have to congregate and worship the one true God. Again, reducing me to tears. Along with that realization, it's just this surreal and daunting feeling of I need to hang onto these moments, these glimpses of hope, glimpses of God in the midst of us, and lock them tightly in my heart to access in future days, years when this isn't a luxury we're afforded any longer. 

I know I probably sound crazy. It is really hard to put these deep spiritual moments into writing and appropriately convey what I was feeling in these deeper moments. But, I know for myself, it's been a call. A call to wake back up. To get my head back in the mindset of living with eternity in mind. 

This is the song I listened to today, which was an all time fave a few years ago. It sparked this whole chain of thoughts-- thus, a post. 

Josh Garrels- Rise

Mom's are Powerful.

I've had this internal conversation with myself for a while now. I do that a lot. A certain subject will come to mind, and I'll just mull it over and over and converse with myself internally around it all.

Is that weird? Well, it's me! Ha!

I'll preface this by saying this for sure isn't some feminist rant or trying to prove women are above men in any way. I actually find it to be that both men and women bring things to the table that everyone needs, and working together, utilizing our strengths is the best use of our energy! Therefore, I fully acknowledge Father's are extremely powerful too, and there is nothing like a Father's love to a child's heart. But that conversation is for another day, and another post.

Today: Mom's are Powerful.

I don't have a source for this fact, but I heard it from someone in my life who is wise and I really trust what comes out of her mouth, because she's just the kind of person who is intelligant and full of understanding about a myriad of topics. Anyhow, one day we were chatting, and she told me that a child's self worth (the view they will have of themselves for the REST of their lives) is set in place in the first 3 years of their lives.

I found that to be completely fascinating. I studied psychology and counseling for a while when I was in college, and my childhood development psych class was fantastic. I've literally recalled numerous bits of information from that course as I've had children, and it's helped me to be patient with their development and helped me to understand that the little hiccups that seem odd to us as adults (a 2 year old throwing a fit, spontaneously crying, or feeling insecure...) are all just really normal parts of their growth, mentally and emotionally. It makes me a better mom when I can look at those moments logically, instead of emotionally, so I don't get too frustrated when situations like that occur.

So clearly, we've all been "sheltering in place" for a bit now. Thanks 'rona. I was furloughed a few weeks ago, and before that even, I only worked 2 days a week; therefore am really mostly a SAHM (stay at home mom) and my husband works as a Contractor full time. This time has been such a blessing to me, much to my surprise. Maternity leave (multiple weeks off work in a row, lots of diapers, crying and Little BabyBum) was always so hard for me, and I guess I kind of figured that this furlough would feel the same. Turns out, sans the insane post-preggo hormones, anxiety and physical recovery pain, being at home with my kids full time actually totally rocks!

I'm getting off topic, or not even focusing at all yet, really, on my main point.

Why are Mom's so powerful?

The factoid from earlier on, my children are having foundational years, moments and development RIGHT NOW. And, I (along with my husband) are the main contributors to how all of this goes for them! Heavy, right? I mean, what a task!! When I rock my kids to sleep at night (well, as babies... so, just Sam right now...) I usually use those minutes to pray over my children and husband. I feel like God has allowed me to have this longitudal perspective of my children, to see them down the road in life and right now sowing into their spirits. Maybe that's normal for everyone, maybe it's not? Praying purpose and greatness over their destiny's. Praying that God touches and captures their hearts on a very real level at young ages. That He fills in the gaps for them where my husband and I will fall short, because I know we will in moments.

These moments truly almost feel more like intercession, it's this deep prayer, a cry from truly one of the deepest parts of me, contending with my sweet Jesus for these precious souls he's trusted us with. That His peace and presence would guide their feet their whole lives. I feel like I see my children in such a new light when I have these moments with God. Because I'm realizing and acknowledging that they are only mine to disciple/lead/influence for such a short time. Of course I'll be here for them for anything until the day I die, but you know what I'm saying. Eighteen years is going to fly by. And when I think about that, I realize I am one of the most POWERFUL voices in my children's lives right now, and will continue to be until that age where they're grown and moving out and we just need to "Let them go, and hope we brought them up right." (Name that movie!! It's Father of the Bride! Ha!)

All of this being said begs the question, "What voice will I be to their ears?" Will I be harsh, judgmental, unforgiving of their shortcomings and failures? Or will I be a cheerleader, a friend, a person who disciplines to show love and guidance when needed, and a voice who always points to Jesus?

I know I FOR SURE aim to be the latter. I very much see Joy and I having a Lorelai and Rory relationship when she is a teenager, and when I say I see that, I mean, that is totally what I want! HA! We'll see how that goes I guess! Haha! And I want Sam to be able to come to me, or Alex for anything he ever faces from girls to peer pressure, literally anything, the boy version or Gilmore Girls! I really really just above all want them to know HOME is a safe space. Where we have grace and forgiveness for sins, hugs for tears, and laughter and joy as we all grow together on this journey of life. Because we all in fact are still growing, failing in moments, and figuring life out as we go, even us parents.

I know Dad's are powerful too, and I feel like I could say a lot of this same stuff when it comes to Alex's role in our kids lives, and he and I have talked about all of this a lot. His heart and mine are on the same page with all of this. I just know so, so deeply right now, in this season of life that I personally am an incredibly powerful voice and role model in my children's lives. God, I want to be so faithful. If this is one of the only things I get totally right in life, I want Him to be proud of who I am in this. And I want my children to grow up and be people who change this world and the atmosphere around them, wherever God leads their lives.

I probably could keep talking about this subject for a while, but I'll leave it at that for now. I'll say though, to you weary Momma's and Papa's out there. Don't give up the fight, find your strength in the Lord, understand that you're SO important in your little ones lives. Ask God to give you that revelation and for it to hit your heart in a real way. The enemy just despises family and there has been a war on fatherhood, motherhood and families in the spirit for so long. We need our sons to understand what being a SON means, and our daughters to understand the importance and power they hold as daughters of the King. Jesus, wreck our hearts for our children, and for our roles as Mother's and Father's and how incredibly powerful this task is in our world, today and for future generations to come.

Samuel.

Well, in 3 days our sweet Sam is going to be 2 months old! I wrote Joy's birth story at 2 weeks old, so, I thought I'd stick with the two theme!

This darling little boy is rocking to sleep beside me right now, as I sit down to recall his birth journey. It started on a Monday morning at 6am, and ended on a Tuesday night at 11:54pm or somewhere around there. Basically a long time from when it started. (Ha!)

So, being induced. Yeah. No. It's not fun. Essentially telling your body, "Hey, have this baby right now!" When your body is like, "Umm, I know when I'm ready and it's not right now. " Thus leading to the ridiculously long birth story that is ours.

If you've followed the posts I've written, you know we had a few moments of uncertainty along the way with this pregnancy. Sam was diagnosed with an umbilical vein varix when he was 29 weeks along, and we had to monitor him and his cord closely through the rest of the pregnancy. The specialists told us lots of scary "could be's" along the way and it was definitely a little intense for me in moments, praying he was okay. All to which my OB urged me to not allow them to put any fear into me regarding any of it. Wise words. All in all, nothing negative came from any of that, praise God. However due to all of that, they said inducing at 39 weeks would be recommended. On top of that, this little guy decided that being head down, and prepared for natural labor wasn't something he was all about, so, my OB suggested that at 38 weeks we try something out to flip him into the head down position and then induce at that point if that was successful. The option of a c-section was talked about and something I hoped could be avoided, so I took my doctors recommendations for the 38 week positioning intervention which brought us to that Monday morning at 6am.

We got to the hospital for our version, and miraculously Sam had already flipped himself head down. Which basically meant they checked us right in to get the induction moving. Now, I had heard stories from other friends who had been induced, so, I naively thought, sweet, we'll be holding our little one by sometime that evening and on our way home shortly after. WRONG.

To spare the more unsightly details... 24 hours went by and nothing happened. Literally nothing. My body was like... "Nope. Not ready." So we took a break and decided to try again the next morning. And in the meantime, we had gotten word that my brother and sister in law were heading into the hospital and proceeded to have their baby within a few hours! And there we were, twittering our thumbs...LOL! Of course we were unbelievably happy for them, it was so fun doing pregnancy with Jess, commiserating through it all together, and it has continued to be awesome having our boys be only about 25 hours apart and going through all the newborn stuff together. But, we were ready for our little guy to make his appearance. Anyhow, things finally started moving along the next day and once my body was officially in labor, it was only about 11 hours total before Sam came. Which, compared to my 20 hour labor with Joy, it wasn't so bad.

And, just like the first time, there is absolutely NOTHING on earth that compares with the explosive joy of seeing your baby for the first time in person. The joy shared between my husband and I, and just the intense and wonderful love felt for this beautiful little person who just entered the world. And even though I don't necessarily want to have anymore children biologically, I am certain that feeling would never grow old, with all the wonder and amazement it brings.

This is a pretty personal photo, and part of me hesitated to even share it because it is so special to me, but I just LOVE everything about it. It was such a wonderful moment and I'm so lucky my sister got to be there with us to capture this rare shot which I didn't get for Joy's birth.

If you know me, and have been around me while I've been pregnant, you've definitely heard me rave about my OB, so having her in a picture is so special to me as well. She's absolutely one of my favorite people on earth and such a pillar of wisdom, strength and comfort as I've gone through both of my pregnancies and giving birth to our children. Gah. All the feels looking at this picture. I'm so blessed to have had 2 wonderful birth stories at our woman's hospital, and so blessed to have such a wonderful partner there for me through the journey that bringing babies into this world is. I don't take it for granted one bit, any of it. I know not everyone has the same feelings and stories regarding their journey. I just feel so very thankful.

Our wonderful little Samuel Polansky is here. He's perfect. He's 100% healthy and 1000% adorable. Newborn phase is always a blur, I remember saying that with Joy and it's still true. Filled with so little sleep, so many bottles, lots of great snuggles and my phone maxing out because I've taken way too many pictures. But, I guess I just try to cling to the truth that these days (even though they seem soo long at moments) go by sooo quickly. My 2 year old proves that when I look at her and hear her speak in full sentences to me, and I'm just thinking, "you're still a baby, how are you so grown already!?" And internally mourning the loss of my baby girl but loving and anticipating this amazing little girl she is so quickly becoming before our eyes.

Man. Parenthood.What an intense journey. What an absolute blessing. I wouldn't trade any of it for all the sleep in the world. And coming from someone who hasn't had a full night of sleep in probably 5/6 months at this point, that's definitely saying something :)

Baby Update!

Sam and I have had two more appointments with our specialist office since my last post regarding everything that's going on with him! Ultimately, so far it has gone better than we could have hoped for! He's been extremely active- which is of course a huge relief to me between visits, and the UVV has gotten a little smaller with each visit.

My doctors are still going to go ahead and proceed with inducement at 39 weeks, if he doesn't come on his own before then! Which means he'll be born on December 16th (which is actually my hubby's birthday too!! Barring any sort of extended labor!!) They've been able to get heart-echos on baby each time we've been in there and are slowly getting each shot of organs and limbs as we go (and as he cooperates!) Sometimes he is moving around so much during our appointments they aren't able to catch the image needed! But, all is well! 

He is still in breech positioning, so here's to hoping that changes in the next month. I'm only at 32 weeks, so OB said not to be concerned about it for at least another month. I just would love to avoid having a c-section if at all possible, not that there's anything wrong with a c-section- just my preference. 

So, not much news, but considering where we're at, no news, or not much change is good news!! Here are some updated shots the tech got for me yesterday!

So precious! 

Those cheeks! ::Heart eyes!!::

Christian.

I've been mulling a certain topic over in my head for a while now; and the topic is denominations within my "religious" preference. And just as a preface if you're reading this and don't know me, I am a Christian. I've talked it over with several people I trust who fall anywhere on the spectrum from Reformed Baptist to straight up Charismatic in the truest sense of the word. I feel this is a topic a lot of people have A LOT of energy around and usually feel extremely devout to their stance and position. It actually makes me happy to see someone so devout to their views and interpretation of the Word, because to me, it means they really care and have done their homework and have scriptural evidence backing up what they are standing on. 

I am not a theologian on any level or have ever claimed to be! But, I guess it struck me at some point that I come from a pretty charismatic, tongue speaking, soaking in the presence of God, miracle believing background. And while I take no issue with any of the aforementioned practices, I also have seen a LOT of weirdness within the vein I've come from. A lot of times, there were things I just couldn't understand or reconcile in a way where I was seeing scripture to back up or confirm certain "prophets" messages or instructions to a congregation... It's almost a little hard to describe what I'm referring to without sounding disrespectful to the people who were leading such gatherings, and that wouldn't be my intention, but if you've been in this realm of ministry you know what I'm saying.

I've had friends counsel me to not pick apart a certain "denomination" and pick and choose the parts I felt I agreed with, because it means there are holes or flaws within that groups thinking or belief system. While all of these different groups ultimately believe in Jesus as the Savoir of the world, the Messiah come and only through Him there is forgiveness and redemption in the blood He shed; and then by rising again from the grave defeated death; there are lot of other bunny trails (so to say) that can be implemented or taught and they all fall under that core belief system. While I understood the heart of what that particular friend was saying to me in regards to not only taking bits and pieces, I sort of felt like that's who I am.

I think I am just a person who wholeheartedly believes every word of the Bible, and know Jesus is the only way, and that it can sometimes be really confusing to interpret scripture into our culture and time in history, but that we have the Holy Spirit living IN us to help and guide our minds in hearts in deciphering the scriptures. I do think God does things differently in moments from one person to the next, and the revelation one person gets from a portion of scripture might not be the same understanding another person gets. And bottom line is I don't think that's wrong. I just think that is GOD. He meets every single person, in their own way, at their own time, and how He needs to speak to them for that person to feel His presence and power in their lives.


I however do NOT believe that means God will allow sin or justification of things that aren't right, and it doesn't mean people are literally free to just run wild and think they're under God's direction or anointing. But that's a whole different conversation.  That's truly why this is such a sticky subject though, He allowed all of us to have free will, which can lead to things that for certain aren't lining up with the Word. I think for me, at the beginning of all of this, I just wanted to know why I believed what I did, and why I'm drawn to the Bill Johnson's, and Jason Upton's and the people who I felt were/are bringing the presence of God to our world.

And I realize everything I'm writing is somewhat inconclusive and a little ambiguous, but I'm still mulling through it all. I just know that there ARE truly parts of the Charismatic movement that to me feel like God's presence and power to me, and I see in the Bible where it's backed up. Just like I see where other denominations get things that they stand by. I think my real opinion is that I wish the Body of Christ didn't divide themselves into "sects" and into different divisions. I'm not a Christian to follow anyone's interpretation of the scriptures besides Jesus's interpretation. I don't know that it was ever the original intention of the Gospel message to be divided like we have. And, maybe it does serve people better, or maybe it's doing the Body of Christ a disservice because it does bring division.

There's just enough division in the world right now, and as a Christian I feel like it's partly my responsibility to bring peace where there is division, and that is hard when some of my own are so deeply divided. We have the roadmap. We have the Spirit to guide us. I really believe we can work together to bring healing to this world. It will be hard. It does mean laying down pride, stubborn thoughts and sins, but this life we have to live is so short. And I know for sure that I want to continually live with eternity in my site. And to know this part (the part that feels so huge and overwhelming and all encompassing) is really just a breath.

(Oh, and update for anyone who read my last post about our baby boy... Week 2 with specialist showed no progression of the cord issue, and it has remained stable. No new red flags either! Thank you all for praying and I would ask that you continue to do so! It was definitely good news, and little guy has about 8 more weeks to keep growing healthy and strong!!)

Umbilical Vein Varix: Week 1

Hello whoever might be reading this! I haven't posted in so long!! Miss being on here and I've decided I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things!

I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with our baby boy, Samuel. At our 29 week check-up my OB had me get an ultrasound to measure babies growth, and in that appointment they found some abnormalities with his umbilical cord. An "umbilical vein varix" is what they called it. Essentially they explained to me it meant there was a dilation (enlargement) in part of his umbilical cord right in his abdomen. I was immediately moved to the status of a "high risk pregnancy" and sent to a perinatologist (a doctor who follows women who have high risk pregnancies, I'm sure for multiple reasons, including the diagnosis they had just informed me of with our son). I remember my OB sharing vaguely in the appointment why I needed to see the specialist, but for some reason it didn't register with me immediately that what she was sharing was potentially scary, even life threatening stuff in regards to Sam's well-being and the rest of my pregnancy.

Once I digested what she told me, did a little googling (never a good idea!) and I then messaged her on myChart and asked a few more solidly formed questions. Her nurse messaged me back shortly after and simply stated that the doctor would call me directly to address the questions; which she did not long after. Basically she explained to me that when they see this UVV (umbilical vein varix) in babies cords it can mean a lot, it could be nothing, or it could lead to something really very serious. It was just the facts she shared, and regardless of how ambiguous the explanation felt, it was just the truth.

She said when she sees this condition along with other factors, it could point to genetic abnormalities or chromosomal abnormalities in baby, it could point to the baby becoming anemic because of the malfunction in the cord, not giving baby the nutrients he needs to thrive, and in the worst case it could cause things as scary as death in the womb before birth or stillbirth. She then reassured me that Sam's growth has been perfect up till now, and she's had absolutely no other reason to be concerned for his well-being, and that there have been no other signs of chromosomal or growth abnormalities in him. However, watching the cord was extremely important, because if it continues to dilate it could cause blood clots to form ultimately which could lead to him being still born.

I waited patiently for about 5 more days when I was scheduled to see the specialist, at which appointment they did confirm the UVV and also echoed essentially all that my OB said in that there were no further reasons to worry or be concerned about Sam's well being/development as of right now. Just that he wanted to see me on a weekly basis from now until delivery to monitor the cord and make sure it doesn't do anything we wouldn't want it to do (grow), and that baby did continue to do what he needs to do (grow!)

So, we're definitely playing the waiting game right now. My husband and I opted against genetic screening for our various reasons, and ultimately as strong believers in God and in His plans for our lives, we know that however our child is born (whether a baby with some type of syndrome or abnormality, or a baby who is born developmentally "normal" having no special needs) we would feel blessed and know Sam is meant to be ours forever, and we love him so beyond unconditionally regardless of any of that. The waiting game for me feels like watching this cord in his belly, making sure our boy is growing and thriving in the womb, and trusting the care of the Doctors in our lives for the next 9 weeks, and trusting God to nudge them if he needs to come sooner than his due date, and just for Him to give my mind and body peace so the little one isn't feeling my stress and concern for him as we go through this last leg of pregnancy.

I wanted to blog about it for 2 reasons. Reason 1, it's healthy for me. It's a space to process and lay my thoughts, fears and anxieties down, regarding all of this-- and to leave it here and not in my head. Reason 2, as horrible as it is to search google when any medical condition is involved, I know I do it, and I also know a million other people do to! Ultimately I know people are looking for answers, reassurance, or just someone to commiserate with when tough times come; and the only things online I could find regarding ANY of this were old (like 10+ years old) case studies done, and a few threads between Mamma's on the Baby Center web site.

So, I thought, if anything, I could fill the gap for one of those reasons for some Mom out there, who is pregnant with her little love and facing this challenge. I feel you sister!! It's stressful!! It's a lot of uncertainty. And my hope is to just update periodically as I continue my weekly appointments with the specialist and OB, and obviously I want to be optimistic that at the end of all of this, I'll be sharing a photo of our beautiful, healthy and perfect baby boy! I know not everyone who has dealt with this has had a happy outcome, and while I'm believing that 100% for our little Sam, the truth is I don't know what the outcome will be. No one ever can know. That's literally just life. But, I'm hoping to be a beacon of hope to someone out there who needs it, whether it's today, or if someone googles and finds this post in the year 2029. (Although by then I think there'll be a lot more medical technology/information and maybe this won't be a concern to anyone then! Ha!) but, you know what I'm saying.

Our sweet boy is due to come between now and December 23rd! And I absolutely cannot wait to snuggle this beautiful boy & introduce him to the best big sister he'll ever know and welcome him into our home!

We love you so much little guy!!

Dying to my(self)

A new way of thinking was brought to my attention last week and it honestly turned some light-bulbs on in my mind. If you're a Momma, you know that sometimes this job seems to be filled with endless lists of what needs to be done. It can feel exhausting, and thankless in moments. (Disclaimer: before everyone thinks poorly of my husband because of this post!!! Please don't!!! He's SUCH a hard worker, a wonderful husband & father & is constantly, literally every single day working to provide and serve us!!! And a lot of the things I'm thinking of don't even directly relate to him helping or not helping! It's just motherhood, and being a wife and adjusting to what that means in my own life!)

So, I strolled into work one morning, and decided to vent a few of my frustrations to my co-workers, (I am lucky enough to work with a small group of Godly women (and one dude, my boss, who happens to also be my pastor, lol), and I was met with a lot of reciprocating feelings from the fellow mothers and wives in our little group. After I realized I started what felt like a small uprising of the annoyed, conviction fell on my heart... or maybe that happened when my boss/pastor walked in on our woman's rights rally at just the right moment (insert embarrassed emoji!!!) Anyhow, the conversation fizzled off, and I felt justified in the frustrations I conveyed, and was determined to try to find some resolutions, talk things over with my husband and see if we were able to come to agreements and see eye to eye on whose job it really is to wash the dishes everyday! (We both agree it's an equal opportunity chore! Lol) We ended up having a great conversation actually, and I was definitely met with understanding and willingness to help be part of the solution!

Then, Sunday rolls around, and the message was brought. Aforementioned pastor/boss has been preaching from the Judges (of the Old Testament) and honestly, I can't remember the finer details of the sermon (I hardly remember what I had, or if I had breakfast today!) but I do remember the heart of one of the points he made, was that, when we commit to serving God- we die to our old selves. We put on Christ, and from that, we live a life of servant-hood. And the way this played out in my mind was like this...

My old self, single, unmarried, nomadic Melissa, served me... and did what I felt like doing at any point in time, made my own plans, didn't really have to check in with anyone on anything, and honestly never had to worry about many other responsibilities. 

My new self is a woman who is a wife, a mother, a homemaker, a student, an employee, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and above all is a Christ follower... and a person who needs to look beyond herself to better all of those parts of who I am. 

When I look at my seemingly endless responsibilities at home at this point in my life, it would serve those around me better, (any myself) to look through eyes of a servant, to see where I can impact others for the greater good, make a difference, make someone's day brighter. It's easy to feel like I'm drowning in all the things I feel like I have to juggle on my own (while Alex is working) and it's been easy for me to feel resentful that I don't feel like I am the carefree person I used to be. I feel lucky on the days when I am able to run to the store by myself and have just an hour or two to not feel like I am responsible for another persons life and well-being. But, maybe in the end that's just what maturing looks like, and what it feels like. I haven't lost freedoms or lost who I am, it's more like I've just had to rearrange the way I feel like those things need to look on a day to day basis.

And I'm sure as our little one grows, the new seasons will change how all of this plays out as well. Right now it just the high intensity time in our lives, working, serving, helping, growing, and it does require a lot 24/7 attention and care (out of Alex and I both), but I am seeing it is not anything to be resentful about.

So, I'm seeing this is who I am now, the next level up in my journey as a human being! Not that I've morphed into some new person. I'm still me. I still love The Office, HIMYM and Gilmore Girls, and listening to Shane and Shane or blasting Lifehouse or Lecrae as I drive around & I will certainly always love getting pedicures and massages and doing things to pamper and treat myself!!!) Who I am at the core won't be changed, but it will be altered for the better of all as each season of life comes and goes, and as friends sharpen me, and teach me the better way. The better way to love, serve and heal those around me.

That change is always welcomed. After all, growing and becoming the best version of ourselves is what it's all about. And I'm thankful for the dear hearts on this journey with me, who nudge and guide me to think and act like Christ- and to redirect me when I'm not.

Introspection.

I've always felt like a little introspective thought into our own lives is beneficial; to err on the side of narsacism and be consumed with your own self, ideas or accomplishments is certainly not the goal; but, just a healthy level of knowing who you are and what you're about. You know what I'm saying?

Okay, so this brings me to my actual point, (I ramble more now that I'm not blogging as much, and I see the word jumble coming from me, processing on paper as my thoughts are attempting to be clearly conveyed...so, bear with me!) I've learned a lot about myself since new seasons of life have bought me different blessings and adversities. Which brings us to last night; I was sitting down to pray. My daughter was (trying to fall asleep) in bed, content but not quite there yet, and I (praying that she would just settle soon because I needed a little break) took my journal & Bible out- dead set on getting to the bottom of some struggles that are new to me (new as in the past 9 months or so...). I needed to get to the bottom of this root- the heart of the matter- trying to understand what is wrong with me, and why I was having such a hard time. This issue has spilled over into all kinds of other areas of my life recently and it was time for me to tell it goodbye.

Fear. Anxiety. Panic even-- in the worst of moments.

The thing is, this isn't me. And that's why it's been a struggle out of left field, that I've needed to take several different occasions to sift though and try to understand. And finally, I do feel like some clarity came from the Lord last night. (Praise Jesus, hallelujah! For REAL!)

As Christ followers, our sole dependance for security, trust, safety (all that warm, good-feeling stuff) is meant to come to us through our rock solid foundation, and relationship with Christ. Take that away and we are left to grapple with the consequences of placing that security in a human (whether ourselves or loved ones) who are fallible. Not that there shouldn't be a level of peace, security and dependency in those relationships, that's a must too for martial success! However, when the fountain of that springs from a spouse, or another loved one (friends, parents, siblings, etc.) that's where trouble will start to brew.

So, here's what I realized about myself, and the beginning of the struggle I had found myself in. Little by little, I began to give that security over to people around me, who were close (relationally) and trustworthy. But, as I did that, I took bit by bit, of that trust I had placed in GOD and gave it over to those people, or even to myself in moments. The end result being that my stability was now resting on the shoulders of (amazing) people (but still, just people) around me. And when the waves came, seasons changed, people changed, and life threw curve-balls- I saw others around me shaken, then I would follow suite, and be shaken as well.

Once I realized the simplicity of this error in my ways- I was like, well? Okay. What do I do then? Just acknowledge that to myself and to God, and ask for forgiveness for the idolatry in my own heart and move forward? Or say some kind of prayer or psalm to get me back on the right track!? I don't even know. I do know though that God is all about grace, coming to us where we are, and meeting us, loving us and embracing us-- welcoming us back in when we have wandered off. So, I just went with the whole acknowleding & chatting with God about it for a sec.

Maybe it doesn't make sense right now how this all ties in with fear, anxiety or a sense of stability. But, if you're a parent you might be able to relate. The first few months of parenthood (watch, it probably never ends...) are filled with, 'do this', or 'don't do this because it will cause this result, a. b. c. or death!' leaving a brand new parent to feel utterly terrified of this tiny little baby that was just brought into the world through one of the most amazing miracles. So, for me, I guess I noticed this anxiety, panic and fear creeping over me in those days, when I was home by myself with Joy, and just feeling utterly inadequate. And if Alex (or my sister) wasn't home with me, I just felt like I would lose it any second, and pray to God to be there with me and protect my sweet baby (from what? I don't know... panic is irrational.) Then, as our baby thrived, and the worry on that front lessened- bam!! --- financial struggles came, and the pit in my stomach grew as we saw medical bill, after medical bill (and regular bills too...) come rolling in, and I worried, and prayed to God to help us through, and to not let Joy be in need or want of anything (or us, but, LBH- I would rather starve before I saw her without...).

So, this pattern of fear, anxiety, worry began working it's way into silly, every day things that I would have never even considered worrying about previously. And now, the bible tells us somewhere (I don't know exactly where) to NOT worry about tomorrow. Don't fret. Don't fear. God clothes the lilies and the birds, don't you think that He care even MORE for you, his child? (Well, duh... of course He does!) And it also says, that the foolish person builds their house in the sand, so when (yes, WHEN, because it always will happen!!) the waves come, their home comes crumbling down. But, if you're wise, build it on the ROCK, on Christ- so you're able to stand. And, that exactly what had occurred in my own heart, I was building things on the sand, foolishly. And when waves came, I was afraid. I knew that I didn't have that peace that passes all understanding in my heart in those moments, because I had chosen to take God off the throne in those areas.

This is real stuff guys. And I know anxiety, depression, panic are all very real things, and many people deal with them on MANY different levels. And I am thankful to the Lord for his deliverance and healing in my own heart for this matter. I know how difficult and impossible it can feel when these demons are at work, but GOD is GREATER. HE is the healer. Healing may come in waves, or in seasons for some, and it is always a process when He has to help us dig though years (for some people!) of misguided beliefs or misplaced security. But there is hope. I know this for sure. He has healed me, and freed me from the bondage I felt I was under, as recently as earlier this week. I know his freedom is real, and the peace he offers is tangible. Not without a fight sometimes, because there is one out there who always seeks to steal our peace. But, fear is a liar. (Yes, I stole that from a song on KLove! Lol!) And when we stop believing lies, and begin to make more room for the truth inside of our spirits, souls and minds- God is faithful to come and fill in the voids where it's needed, when He is welcome. 


I guess all in all, I like writing this out to help myself process, but I also like others to know if you're struggling, there IS hope and you're not alone. If you feel alone, reach out. I know that sucks. Because when you feel alone, there's nothing you want more sometimes than for someone else to do that reaching. But, do it. Just this time, and I pray that God ordains that moment for you, to find relief and peace, and a heart open to hearing & helping you where you're at.

Life can be tough guys. But it is also amazingly beautiful. So, keep fighting the good fight! Stay strong! IN the LORD!!! HE is Faithful. Even when we are not. HE always always is.

Peace + love to you. 

Motherhood

Can you sense a theme in the blogs posted since our daughter has been born?! Ha!

Well the epic journey that is having and raising children is not to be taken lightly and certainly consumes all of life in its season, therefore, it's what's on my mind. Constantly.

Being a Mother means to be selfless. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely not saying I am selfless. It's actually probably been why becoming a Mom has been so difficult! Because, it truly puts YOU (me) on the back-burner. I am thankful I have a husband to help me, I know not everyone has that-- and it does help. But in reality, life for me right now is the Joy Channel, 24/7. And I mean-- it's the cutest channel I've ever seen, and it is all 1000% worth it!! So, I'm not saying anything contrary to that.

I just think for the past 4 months, my mind has kind of been reeling. On November 29, a tiny little human came into this world and has changed everything about our lives. And since then, we also bought our first home and moved--all the craziness that seasons like that entail. So- it's like I've just been feeling this constant pouring out of myself- pouring into Joy, into Alex, into moving, into getting back into the swing of things at work... and as for myself, I've just been emptied. And it's left me seeing the person I'm becoming in this new role in life and not recognizing her yet. I know I am still me, but this season has required me to lay myself down. Old ways of relaxing, the old ways of enjoying my free time, the things that help me to feel like myself and to feel alive. Those are all just on the back-burner for now. And now that we're settled in our new home, feeling more used to it, and finding our routine here-- it's like all of this reality is hitting me.

This is my new normal for now. I know Joy (and any future children) won't require our constant attention forever-- these little years will go by fast, and one day in the future I will have time for myself again (you know, time to shower, actually do my hair and make-up, sit and have a warm cup of coffee in the morning every day...) and the deeper things, the callings I feel God has put on my life. What I am supposed to bring to the world around me, outside of our home.

But for now this is my calling. This is the season God has led my life to. To give myself up in ways, and pour my time, attention, affection and care into my daughter and husband. It really is a sweet deal when I think about it, (and get over the moments when I just want a second to myself).

The bottom line is, regardless of all of this, I am so thankful for this season. He has been so so good to me.

I was chatting with one of my dearest friends about this season of motherhood, as she is a mother of 4, and definitely could relate to my feelings, fears and exhaustion- and her words were a comfort to the deepest parts of my soul. This is what she said, "You don't have to fear that this season will erase you. It will alter you in some ways, it will kill parts of you that probably needed to die anyway. In many ways you will find yourself out of practice, but somehow even better equipped for the callings on your life. In the meantime, find moments for the things that bring you life. Care for yourself with the kindness you show Alex and Joy. Be patient with them and with God and with you. Turns out, this season isn't as long as it felt at first." 

I want to embrace it all. Fully. With all of my heart. I know all of these things that seem hard right now are being played out in my life for a purpose so great. Shaping and molding our daughter into a wonderful person is a high calling. I pray LITERALLY every day that God keeps giving Alex and I the wisdom we need to be excellent parents, examples and role models of the love and light of Jesus to our kids.

Parenthood!

A little over two months ago I became a Mother & my husband became a Father! And, I've said this before, but I truly believe this transition is something a couple can never truly prepare for (fully) when it's a first child. Maybe it's different with kiddo #2 or #3. Not sure.

Nothing could have prepared me for the amazing, heart-exploding moment when labor was finally over, and we got to see our little girl for the first time.

Nothing could have prepared me for how every aspect of our life changed and shifted to care for the needs of this new, little life.

Nothing could have prepared me for how every little coo and smile from Joy melts my heart into a giant pile of super happy mush!

Her life is just incredible, and in every way she's brought so much joy, happiness and wonder into our lives, marriage and family. I think the thing that has surprised me the most, is how much I LOVE the newborn stage. I have never been a baby person, never really liked babysitting or wanted to hang out with the kids in kids church (and as a general rule, this totally still applies to who I am), but I have loved every second of it with our daughter. People always used to tell me, "Oh, it's different with your own children..." when I would share my hesitations about becoming a parent. And they were right!

Every little cry or bit of sadness Joy might experience just makes me want to comfort her and make everything alright. And on the flip side, every smile just lights up the room and makes Alex & I so excited to have this precious little blessing in our lives.

It's such an incredible journey so far, and I am just so excited to see each new stage as she continues to grow. Thinking about how her personality will continue to develop, and what her voice is going to sound like as she begins saying words, and what her sense of humor will be like, and how she'll look as she moves out of the baby phase into being a toddler! It's all just so fun, and has caught me so off guard with how natural it feels and how much excitement I have around things that I have literally never thought about before in my life!

What a blessing to be able to raise, love and care for a whole human. To play a pivotal role in who Joy is going to be for the rest of her life. I know my hearts desire is to just fill her heart and spirit with so much love, fearlessness, adventure and to teach her to be a person who brings light and beauty into this darkening world. I believe her name is prophetic of who she is, and she indeed is already a carrier of joy, and I pray every day that God keeps giving us the wisdom to help shape her into exactly who He has created her to be.

So--- just my thoughts on parenthood so far :) (Photos added for cuteness!)

One Week!

One Month!

Two Months!